Episode 1

full
Published on:

14th Sep 2023

"It's only helpful if they want help" w/ Jane Paul of Children's Resources on Wheels

We're kicking off SEASON 3 with Jane Paul of CROW of Lanark County! Jane is a returning guest coming to help us solve more kiddo communication problems.

Thank you for joining us today on Barnyard Language. If you enjoy the show, we encourage you to support us by becoming a patron. Go to Patreon to make a small monthly donation to help cover the cost of making a show. Please rate and review the podcast and follow the show so you never miss an episode.

 You can find us on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok as BarnyardLanguage, and on Twitter we are BarnyardPod. If you'd like to connect with other farming families, you can join our private Barnyard Language Facebook group. We're always in search of future guests for the podcast. If you or someone you know would like to chat with us, get in touch.

 We are a proud member of the Positively Farming Media Podcast Network.


Transcript
Speaker:

Welcome to Barnyard Language.

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We are Katie and Arlene, an Iowa

sheep farmer and an Ontario dairy

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farmer with six kids, two husbands,

and a whole lot of chaos between us.

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So kick off your boots, reheat

your coffee, and join us for some

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Barnyard Language, honest talk about

running farms and raising families.

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In case your kids haven't already learned

all the swears from being in the barn,

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it might be a good idea to put on some

headphones or turn down the volume.

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While many of our guests

are professionals, they

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aren't your professionals.

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If you need personalized

advice, consult your people.

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Hello everyone and welcome to Season

3 of the Barnyard Language Podcast.

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Season 3!

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We're actually, like, continuing

to do the thing that we started,

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which, I think for Katie and I,

is an impressive accomplishment.

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We had an idea and we followed through.

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These are the critical steps.

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And we keep doing it.

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That's all Arlene.

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No, it's not stop giving

me all the credit.

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I have never edited an episode

So it wouldn't have come

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out if it wasn't for you.

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So we each have our strengths, right?

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That's true.

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It's kind of a chicken and the egg thing.

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Yes, exactly Yeah, we each

do the things and then ta da.

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There's a podcast.

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So anyway, thank you for coming back

Thank you for listening and for all your

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support in the last two years and we're

really excited about all the guests that

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we have already talked to for season three

and the people that we're talking about

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talking to and trying to get Scheduled

and do all of that kind of stuff.

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So we've got a lot of fun people coming up

But normally we do an update and we have

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like the whole month of August where we

didn't talk to you guys about what we were

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Doing so Katie what happened in August?

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Way back when uh That was

like a month ago, Arlene.

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That is true.

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Um, actually it was

like six weeks ago now.

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A month and a half at this point.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Um, it was hot.

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And then it got hotter.

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And then it got hotter.

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And then the kids went back to school.

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While it was still hot?

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And then...

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Well, it was still hot.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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They, uh, actually got early outs the

first three days of school because it

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was so damn hot that even with the air

conditioning, the school was not safe.

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Ooh, fancy.

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Their school has air conditioning.

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Yeah.

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Well, only the elementary school does.

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Does.

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So, I guess probably they

were slightly concerned about

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the high schoolers as well.

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Um, contrary to popular opinion,

teenagers are actually people.

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And they are also, um,

susceptible to things like dying.

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So, that's a thing.

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Um, The one real excitement, I

guess, was that my husband won

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tickets to see Robert O'Keene in San

Antonio on about two weeks notice.

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So we very impulsively flew

to Texas for a long weekend.

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And, uh, Saw Robert Earl Keene.

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With children or without?

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Without, thank God.

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Oh, no children.

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I love my children, but the idea of the

boy child on the San Antonio Riverwalk,

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for those not acquainted, there is no

fencing or railing or anything to keep

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people on a walk and out of the river.

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Caite: And although the river is

apparently less than five feet deep,

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um, I still would not want to be fishing

my children out of it repeatedly.

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It would probably be very tempting.

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So, yeah.

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Uh, we saw the Alamo, which was cool.

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And, Um, I bought some new

cowboy boots, which was cool.

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And we ate some barbecue, which

was awesome, and I drank a lot

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of margaritas, which was amazing.

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As you do.

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And by a lot, I mean it was like

in one sitting, but it was 32

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ounces, which is a great idea.

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Did you get one of those giant

commemorative cups or you

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just drank a really big one?

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No, but they served it in a shaker.

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Okay.

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And it was one of those where part

of being an adult is remembering that

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just because you're really thirsty

and just because the margarita

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tastes really good does not mean

that the tequila has magically

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vanished from being in the margarita.

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Right.

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And that you should slow the fuck down,

drink some water, and wait till your food

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comes before you hammer down any more.

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Got it.

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So it wasn't just the brain freeze.

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Or you will regret it later.

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Yeah, no, it was a very

good margarita though.

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My...

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Parents were both here visiting

this weekend, which was interesting.

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And my aunt, my dad, and my aunt both

live in western Pennsylvania, and

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my dad had never been here to visit.

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So they drove out, and my mom drove

up, and we took family photos, and had

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a whole house full of people, which

was fun, but also a lot, because we

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got back from Texas Tuesday night.

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And people started

showing up Friday morning.

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Right.

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And so for clarification, your

mom and dad are not together.

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No.

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So this was a visit where they

were hanging out, but haven't been

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in the same place for a while.

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Like decades?

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Um, this was the second time in my

life that I've spent more than a meal.

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Together with them.

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No, my dad was not in attendance was

not able to attend my wedding, right?

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Yeah, so this was a Was a whole thing

Yeah My kids I think now believe that

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they do have a second grandfather.

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There's been a lot of arguing About it

because it's been a few years since we've

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been able to visit with you know The Cove

it and the farm and the jobs and the kids

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Yeah, yeah So that was good, but trying

to do that much travel and that much

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visiting and, uh, work and the farm and,

and, and, and, you know, two little kids.

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Uh, we also bought a new car

last month, which was exciting.

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Um, I don't think either of us would

have said that we would ever actually

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purchase a new vehicle, but with the

prices of used vehicles right now, a new

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vehicle was, Very competitively priced.

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Let's put it that way.

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Yeah, it used to be that buying used

you'd get a deal and now it doesn't even

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seem like that really is a thing so much.

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Yeah, so our car has a thousand

miles on it and we put all but I

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think twelve of those on ourselves.

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So that was pretty cool.

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Um, and it was a new joy that neither of

us had ever experienced to just hop in the

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car to drive to the airport in Minneapolis

without Any thought as to how well our

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vehicle might do in that circumstance.

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Um, that was a nice change of pace to not

have to concern ourselves with whether it

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was a bad idea to make a three hour drive.

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But did you think about whether

it might get stolen from the

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parking lot of the airport?

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Because it was actually

a new car this time.

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I didn't actually, but there

was enough gravel dust on

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it that it doesn't look new.

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Right, yeah, it didn't look quite as

nice as some of the ones beside it.

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We unfortunately did already let our

children in it, so it does not smell new

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or look particularly new at this point.

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It happens fast.

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Yes, it really does,

but that was enjoyable.

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Uh, what's been up in your world, Earline?

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Yeah, so like you said, August

seems like a long time ago,

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but yes, my oldest moved away.

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Arlene: So I know we've been

talking about this for a while,

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but she moved to university.

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So that was exciting for her and a bit

sad for my husband and I, of course,

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the boys People, a few people have asked

what her brothers think, and I think

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sometimes they notice that she's gone.

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Um, I was going to say, have

they noticed that she's gone, or?

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Some of the, some of the time, yeah.

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I mean, she does spend

a lot of time working.

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Um, or, you know, she has, she can

drive, or she's, she could be out

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with friends, or sometimes she's

in her room, or whatever, and so.

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There are sometimes days that

go by where their paths don't

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necessarily cross all that often.

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Um, but I think they've

noticed that she's gone.

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So they're not too distraught about it.

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But, um, yeah, my husband and I

are definitely missing her a lot.

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But it's fun to, uh, To get caught

up with what she's doing and get

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pictures and texts and stuff.

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So it is nice to be in the cell

phone era where we can kind of

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be in touch whenever we want and

FaceTime and all that kind of stuff.

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So we went on Labor Day weekend,

um, just my husband and daughter

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and I and uh, we moved her in.

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Just the, just the three of us, which

was both a logistical in terms of having

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room for all the things in the minivan

and also just time wise, it felt like

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having her brothers around would mean

that things were rushed or they might be,

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you know, impatient to do other things

when that was kind of the main task.

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So we were able to spend lots of

time helping her set up a room and go

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to Wal Mart and grab the last meal.

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That's a few things that she forgot

or, or things that she wanted to wait

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until she saw what the room looked like

before she bought, things like that.

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So yeah, it was a really nice weekend

that we got to spend together.

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And then we left her there and we,

um, visited friends on the way home.

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So that was nice too, to kind

of soften the blow a little bit.

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And we're getting used to, uh, having

her being a little further away.

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The rest of August feels like

it was a lot of same as what I

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was saying in July, cow shows.

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So there was several fairs and.

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Um, our county hosting show

and things like that in there,

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we did get a few days off.

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We didn't really get a vacation this

year, but we went and stayed one

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night at my parents cottage and we

went to a water park another day.

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So just little things to kind of break up

the monotony of milk cows, feed people.

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Peacocks.

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That, that feels like it just is on

a bit of a hamster wheel sometimes.

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Did lots of swimming, because

there's lots of lakes and small

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beaches and things around here.

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So the boys are being the

stretch of ages that they are.

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Sometimes it's hard to find activities

they all enjoy, but they're 8, 12, and

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15, and they all like to swim still.

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So that's something that Probably three

or four, sometimes five, depending how

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hot it was, days a week, we would go to

the local beach or one of the other lakes

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nearby and get some swimming in, so.

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Or our lovely neighbors

who let us use their pool.

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That's a bonus too.

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We can just walk across the road.

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So that is a bonus And they were busy

cutting grass and doing barn chores and

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that kind of stuff My 15 year old has

been learning how to drive a little bit.

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So that's a thing that we're working

on He's gonna take some extra support.

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So we found a Kind of a semi retired

driving instructor who has experience

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working with people who have

Exceptionalities and so she's been

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working with him on learning how to

drive So we actually have an extra

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brake pedal in our minivan, which is

good for for us But also for people

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who want to play practical jokes who

might be sitting in the passenger seat

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of our minivan It's happened a few

times But yeah, that's an added bonus

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of doing it kind of privately and on

the side and being able to find someone

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who is willing to work with us on that.

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So, that's been exciting and

a little scary, but another

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step along the way, right?

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There's got to be a special place

in heaven for driving instructors.

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And especially folks who retire

and then choose to do it.

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Yeah, yeah, exactly.

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It's definitely not an easy job

and you have to pretend that

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you're calm and chill about it.

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Yeah, I think those are the kind

of the main things for August.

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Um, So our guest for this week is a

returning guest, which is exciting.

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She was one of our very first few

guests on the podcast and we're excited

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to be able to talk to her again.

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Um, another thing that we want to let

people know about is that we're starting

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to dabble in the world of trying to

actually make a bit of money or at least

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cover our costs is more, more like it.

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And when it comes to making the podcast,

so for our American listeners, if you're

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a fan of brooder toys, like Katie is,

we now have a code that you can use.

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So if you're going to buy a brooder toys

for your kids for a birthday or Christmas

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or any occasion, and you live in the

States, you can use the code that we're

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going to put in the show notes and we'll

have it on our social media as well.

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Just click that code.

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It's not a discount code, but if

you're going to buy the stuff anyway.

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Then we get a little cut

of the money on that.

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So that is exciting for us.

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And as the year goes on, we're

hoping to get some sponsors.

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So you might end up hearing some

commercials on here, but know that we're

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only going to work with people that we

use their product, like their product, or

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they have similar values to us in terms

of being in part of the egg family space.

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So that's what we're looking for.

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And if you have a company and

you'd like to sponsor us or talk

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to us or hear an ad on our show.

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Then you can, uh, get in touch, because we

would be happy to talk to you about that.

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As far as the Bruder

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toys, I can put in a very personal

plug, I buy a lot of them.

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Um, they do tend to be a little

spendier than some of the others,

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but they're a lot better built.

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And my personal favorite part,

they sell replacement parts.

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So when your kid does like my kid and

puts so many miles on the excavator

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that the tracks stretch and fall

off, you can buy replacement tracks.

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You can buy replacement Forklift forks

for all the times that those get lost.

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Um, they sell replacement steering wheels.

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Their little people are actually

jointed in a way that they can, uh,

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you know, fit any equipment, unlike the

GI Joe that we tried who did not fit.

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Um, And they generally seem to be a nice

company, and they have a lot of little

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YouTube videos that are child friendly.

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And equipment that actually

is modeled after real farm

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equipment, which is nice too.

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It's not, it actually has

functionality and is authentic

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because we know that our little carpet

farmers are big on authenticity.

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If it's not the right equipment, they're

going to have something to say about it.

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Oh yes.

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Oh yes.

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If you are not blessed with a child

who is very detail oriented, um, I

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can send you some videos of my kids.

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Uh, it is very important to them

that their toys be accurate.

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Everything is just so.

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Alright, well we will introduce

our guest for this week, and

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thanks for joining us again.

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Thanks for coming back.

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So today we are talking to Jane Paul,

who was one of our very first guests

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on the podcast way back when we started

and lives not all that far away from

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Eastern, from me in Eastern Ontario.

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So Jane, you know that we start

our interview with the same

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question, but things might have

changed since the last time.

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So we'll ask you again,

what are you growing?

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So, we're the older generation now.

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I'm not quite sure when that happened,

but we are now the old folks on the farm.

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So, our farm is succeeding

to the next generation.

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Jane: Uh, we have a big, well, maple

syrup keeps the whole farm going.

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So, uh, that's the big one.

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It's the money maker in here.

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Um, when I was, more a part of the farm.

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We also did a little bit of cash crop

in there and we had beef cattle as well.

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So that's sort of what we are right now.

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Uh, we're sitting back, still

waiting for these golden years

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that are supposed to be coming.

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Haven't found them yet, but, uh,

we're sitting back watching, uh,

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the younger folk take over and

just going in and giving our, our,

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our really sage advice in there.

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Right.

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Sure.

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Yeah, they need it once in a while.

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And since we last talked,

are you also a grandparent?

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Is that true?

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I am a grandparent.

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Now, we stole some grandchildren early on.

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Um, so we, we've always had

lots of kids around here.

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Uh, but my middle child, my eldest

daughter, uh, had a little girl

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who is now coming on 15 months and

I gotta tell ya, it is wonderful.

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And she is an outdoors farm kid

already, right from the get go.

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Not that she has much of a choice

with her two parents, I guess.

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So they're nearby?

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They are.

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They're close enough, they're far enough

that we can't see what they're doing.

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They're about 15 minutes away.

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Um, but they're close enough that,

uh, we see lots of each other.

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And we get to have her on

Fridays, which is wonderful.

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Oh, that's a good balance.

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Not all day, every day, but

uh, lots of exposure too.

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Arlene: Absolutely.

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So, you have a ton of experience,

both in parenting and working with

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children in your job with the, well now

it's called the Ontario, or Early On,

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formerly the Ontario Early Years Centre.

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Um, so Jane is a parent educator

and has also been a playgroup

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facilitator and has done lots of

work with families in our area.

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So, it's kind of always hard

to know where to start when...

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I talk to Jane because I want to

ask her a million and one questions,

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but today we're going to try and

focus our discussions around Sibling

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relationships, because we're going into

summer at the time that we're recording.

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I'm not exactly sure when this is

going to come out, but whether or not

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this is going to come out during your

summer break or someone else's summer

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break, or maybe in September when the

kids are finally going back to school.

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But there always seems to be a lot

of opportunities for, uh, sibling

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relationship issues to happen with,

uh, little people in our houses

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and even not so little people.

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So I was going to start with one of the.

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questions that a lot of people seem

to have when they're growing their

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family, and that's about how to prepare

young or not so young children for the

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arrival of a baby in their home, however

it happens to arrive in their house.

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So what are some of your tips

that you have for that transition

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when you're growing your family

and a new baby is coming?

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I think that's a great question

because it really goes back to the

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basics of what we teach with most

of our parenting courses, right?

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Just going back and meeting the needs of

the child that's there so that some of the

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behaviors just kind of disappear in there.

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Jane: So if we go back to starting off by

just acknowledging those feelings, we have

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a tendency as a culture to say, you know

what, when the, You know, when we have

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a child that comes up and says, I hate

the baby to say, you don't hate the baby.

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You'd love the baby, right?

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But as soon as we deny those feelings,

they're now going to spend the

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next hour proving to you that those

feelings are there and they're true.

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So we can accept all feelings.

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Feelings don't have a morality.

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They're not right or wrong.

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So you can hate the baby, but we

put boundaries on what you get to

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do when you have those feelings.

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So we go back to the old how to

talk, you know, four step program.

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We're going to identify those feelings.

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We're going to name them no matter

the age of the child, whether we're

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talking about teenagers or whether

we're talking about, you know, little

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ones that are two and three and four.

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We're going to connect with them

and just acknowledge them, meet them

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where they're at with their feelings.

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So we're going to name it.

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You can even do it with wishes.

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So, you know, you wish.

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The baby wasn't taking up

so much of mommy's time.

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That's hard for you.

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So we can name it that way.

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We can even do it by helping

them do a symbolic or, or kind

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of a creative, uh, act in there.

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You know, our guys put

up signs on their doors.

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When they have feelings that are

hard to deal with, they want to put

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up those signs and let people know.

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So, you know, you can have a child

put up a sign on their door saying,

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private property, no babies allowed.

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Just so that you're meeting them.

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Where they're at in there, but then we

move on and and we talk about what the

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problem is, you know, you can have those

feelings and you can feel that way.

372

:

But if there are hurtful actions involved,

you know, if we have a young child,

373

:

especially coming up and pinching the

baby or doing something like that, Those

374

:

hurtful actions need to be stopped.

375

:

And that's a theme you're going to hear

all the way through this today is that

376

:

when there are hurtful actions, we accept

the feelings, but we, you know, we step in

377

:

and we stop those actions from happening.

378

:

So what you really want to do is go

back again, just to meeting those needs,

379

:

you know, are the needs for connection,

are the needs for spending time with

380

:

mom or dad away from the baby, right?

381

:

We always parent with

warmth and structure.

382

:

Warmth being, um, making sure

kids feel safe and secure.

383

:

So this baby is not

taking the place of you.

384

:

It's not gonna, you know, move you

out of your position in the family.

385

:

Making sure that they're secure in that.

386

:

Um, with lots of love and actions and

physical touch in there and lots of

387

:

structure and structure is basically

just guidance and helping them figure out

388

:

where they're supposed to go from here

and how they're supposed to manage that.

389

:

It's also kind of looking through

their eyes so that we're seeing again

390

:

back to those feelings, how their

feelings because our feelings are

391

:

going to dictate our behaviors, right?

392

:

So.

393

:

All of that, just feeling safe and

secure, but describing the problem

394

:

that's going on here and then tell

them what they need to do, right?

395

:

We need to state the expectation that we

have for their behavior at this point.

396

:

Now we're, as again, as a culture,

we're really great at telling

397

:

people what they're doing wrong.

398

:

I don't know how many times I've

been told, don't do this, don't

399

:

do that, and I'm 65, right?

400

:

And I still get that.

401

:

I don't need you to tell me

not to do this, I need you to

402

:

tell me what to do instead.

403

:

So, put in the front of their brain

what it is you want them to do, and that

404

:

cuts down a lot of thinking for them,

especially if they're in a heightened

405

:

emotional state over this baby, right?

406

:

So we're just going to make it

really easy for them and tell

407

:

them what it is they need to do.

408

:

And if they do it, we're going to describe

what they did and praise them for that.

409

:

Thank you so much for going

and getting the diapers for me.

410

:

The baby was crying and that

sound was bothering you.

411

:

Now we can give the baby a dry bottom

and maybe she won't cry so much.

412

:

So, it's that kind of stuff that goes in

there and, and any way you can involve

413

:

the, the first child with the care of

the second child, not being onerous and

414

:

not making them the parent, but just

so that they feel like they, you know,

415

:

they're the, the big sibling in the

room that can help out and we're valuing

416

:

what they're bringing to the table,

often things that the baby can't do.

417

:

Right?

418

:

The baby can't get up and

go and run and get diapers.

419

:

The baby can't go and bring you the phone.

420

:

The baby can't do all

those things, but you can.

421

:

You know, you're the big, big

brother or sister in there.

422

:

And then, not only do we

value their actions, but their

423

:

thoughts about the whole thing.

424

:

Right, and so when we connect and

we acknowledge those feelings, we're

425

:

valuing those thoughts in there.

426

:

And if you can, give them

their wishes in fantasy.

427

:

Wouldn't it be nice if that baby

would just go to sleep and you and

428

:

I could have some time together?

429

:

Wouldn't that be awesome?

430

:

However, doesn't look like he's

ready yet, so we gotta work on

431

:

this together to get through.

432

:

Right, and then of course you

mentioned about being a grandparent.

433

:

Bring in the grandparents, bring in

the aunts and uncles, let them spoil

434

:

the little baby, and you go ahead

and take time with that other child.

435

:

That's part of being a grandfather.

436

:

So, Jane is, as someone who was

literally already this morning having a

437

:

discussion with their friend about, you

know, my kiddos are five and six now.

438

:

Caite: And, For me, right now, the most

frustrating part is that they're able to

439

:

act like humans so much of the time that

then when they don't, it's just like,

440

:

what the fuck's the matter with you?

441

:

You know, and so like, the girl child

yesterday came screaming and crying up to

442

:

me and she goes, brother hurt my feelings.

443

:

And so I'm, I'm expecting like a real

emotional moment and it turns out

444

:

that what he had done was not let her

pick what they were watching on TV.

445

:

And so, you know, this, I'm wondering

what tips you have for remembering it

446

:

just because they sometimes have the

words for more emotional development

447

:

or occasionally, you know, they're sort

of on the cusp of that development,

448

:

how we can remember that they're not.

449

:

Arlene: Actually there, and I have the

feeling that teenagers are probably the

450

:

same problem, that it's, they act like

humans, but they're not really humans yet.

451

:

Because that's, yeah, that seems to be a

spot where they can really act less mature

452

:

even than, uh, yeah, when they're out in

the world with their friends or at school.

453

:

Jane: I think that's

a great way to put it.

454

:

Less mature.

455

:

That's a very kind, politically

correct way to talk about it.

456

:

I was speaking with a friend who does,

uh, who works in the same area that I do.

457

:

And we were talking about.

458

:

Basically this, that at times

where kids are becoming more

459

:

independent, those are times of

separation and development, right?

460

:

So they're separating and they're

becoming their own person.

461

:

And she had a great way to put it.

462

:

She says, Yeah, sometimes they just

become assholes to be able to do that.

463

:

And, and I think there's a truth in that.

464

:

Um, I guess the big part in there is...

465

:

Treat them uniquely and on their own.

466

:

But when it comes to, you know, kids

fighting with each other or being unkind

467

:

with each other, we kind of divide it

into about four different sections.

468

:

The first one is, you know,

what you're talking about, that

469

:

normal bickering between kids,

back and forth, back and forth.

470

:

Um, It's not something you

really have to worry about it.

471

:

Nobody's going to get hurt in there.

472

:

So, you know, the thought is

think about your next vacation.

473

:

Think about your next trip away,

and we're just going to let the

474

:

kids work it out themselves.

475

:

They get to experience

conflict resolution.

476

:

You know, they're going to figure out

how to do some of these skills in here.

477

:

Your, your situation, Kate, was

almost, I think, at a level two there.

478

:

Where it's starting to heat up because

we've got high emotions coming into

479

:

here and someone's feelings are

heard in there, you know, to them,

480

:

we see it as a little thing, right?

481

:

I mean, it's a TV show and most

of them are streamed anyway.

482

:

You can watch it again later

if you want to, but, uh.

483

:

To them, the little things are big things.

484

:

Whatever happening is right

now is all encompassing.

485

:

So to be able to see through their

eyes that this is the way it is

486

:

and to realize that for them,

this is absolutely devastating.

487

:

The world is falling apart.

488

:

It's going to end, you know,

I'm no longer important in this

489

:

world, et cetera, et cetera.

490

:

So when it starts to heat up.

491

:

I think we go back to that, those basics

that we just talked about, you acknowledge

492

:

those feelings in there, acknowledge

the upset, acknowledge the anger, the

493

:

frustration that's in there, reflect

on each kid's point of view, right?

494

:

If they're old enough, and you guys are

just kind of starting to get there, if

495

:

they're old enough to try and work this

out on their own, although you still

496

:

have an imbalance of power, right?

497

:

Because one is a little more

articulate than the other.

498

:

Um, so when you have that, you know, we,

we sort of get each child's point of view.

499

:

We describe the problem ourselves so

that they can see what the problem is.

500

:

And then, you know, we say, you know what,

I trust that you guys can figure this out.

501

:

Let me know what's going on.

502

:

We'll just take the remote control for the

moment until you have that figured out.

503

:

And as soon as you two have a

plan, come on back and see me and

504

:

you get that remote control back.

505

:

So it's, it's giving them again, a chance.

506

:

To not make you the referee that they can

actually start to work it out themselves.

507

:

But if it goes past that, then

we're into what we call level 3

508

:

and 4 when it comes to fighting.

509

:

And A level three, you know, there's

a possibility of some dangers, a

510

:

possibility somebody's going to get hit

or hurt by being pushed down or whatever.

511

:

So when it starts to get physical

like that or verbally, you know,

512

:

emotionally harsh, then, then

that can be dangerous too, right?

513

:

So that's when we step in and say,

Hey, whoa, whoa, what's going on here?

514

:

Sounds like you guys are upset.

515

:

Now she came to you.

516

:

So it's a little bit different, but if

you were to walk in on that argument

517

:

and you're worried that somebody's about

to pound someone else, then we step

518

:

in and we check in with them and say,

you know, hey, how's it going here?

519

:

You guys doing alright?

520

:

And both of them have to

say that things are okay.

521

:

for you to step back a bit.

522

:

If not, then that's when we

start to intervene in there.

523

:

So if they're not both in agreement with

what's going on, something has to change.

524

:

And if it goes further than that, if

it's actually dangerous and somebody is

525

:

going to get hurt in there, or You're

thinking that this is too rough or

526

:

the language is too inappropriate and

somebody's going to be, you know, morally

527

:

and emotionally hurt in there as well.

528

:

In our house, it was the S

word and the S word was stupid.

529

:

You weren't allowed to use

the S word in our house.

530

:

There's better ways to, to

manage yourselves in there.

531

:

So, in those cases, we step in if it's too

rough or if it's not safe and We basically

532

:

describe the problem that's going on

again, because we want them to know what

533

:

the issue is, and then we separate them.

534

:

You know, you're over

here, you're over there.

535

:

When we can figure this out, and

we do a little bit of problem

536

:

solving, then we're gonna, you know,

you guys can be together again.

537

:

But right now, that's not okay.

538

:

So, In the beginning, we, we don't

want to step in too quick because that

539

:

power for the kids, they need a chance

to figure out what their own power is.

540

:

If we want to raise strong

kids, um, we have to give them

541

:

a chance to use their power.

542

:

And, and up here in Canada, I think one

of the biggest mistakes we ever did was to

543

:

have zero tolerance in the schools, right?

544

:

Hands off, no touching each other.

545

:

How are kids supposed to know

where the boundaries are?

546

:

How are they supposed to

know where the limits are?

547

:

No, you're not allowed

to hurt someone else.

548

:

But it's by pushing your friend and having

them fall down and be upset with you

549

:

that you find out that that was too much.

550

:

So, I think, um, before we jump

in too quickly, give the kids

551

:

a chance to use their power.

552

:

Let them be that person

who is making decisions.

553

:

Let them be that person who

is Taking control so that they

554

:

figure out what the limits are.

555

:

If we don't give them a chance to do

that and to figure things out, I mean,

556

:

we're still going to hover on the edge,

especially with young kids, right?

557

:

Because sometimes that can go too much,

but they can't learn risk management.

558

:

They can't learn power and control

unless they get a chance to use it.

559

:

And, and I mean, I think we do it

from a kind place in our heart.

560

:

Everybody would like to have a day that

goes a little more smoothly, although in

561

:

the farming community, I'm not sure that

ever happens, but we need to, you know, we

562

:

do it because we think we are helping out.

563

:

Caite: But I think sometimes we

shoot ourselves in the foot when

564

:

we don't let kids try and figure

some of this out themselves.

565

:

I think that's a really interesting point,

Jane, because as an only child, too,

566

:

and because my kids are so close in age

and size, I feel it's easier for me to

567

:

let them Physically mix it up a little

because they're pretty evenly matched,

568

:

you know, so I'm not too worried that

one of them is going to pound to the

569

:

other, but especially as an only child

who was raised at sort of the beginning

570

:

of that, you know, nobody should ever

be upset about anything ever generation

571

:

that it's really hard to try and explain

to my kid, the concept that, Just

572

:

because you don't like something doesn't

mean that you are traumatized by it.

573

:

You know, you might not like that he won't

let you watch what you want to watch.

574

:

And maybe you're upset about it,

but I don't know that that quite

575

:

reaches the My feelings are hurt.

576

:

I need you to, to, you know,

reassure my place in the world.

577

:

You know, where do we How do

we teach them what's an actual

578

:

problem if everything's wrong?

579

:

Jane: Yeah, and that's a

prob you know, and that's it.

580

:

And like you said, they're young and

they're still figuring all of that out.

581

:

So, they live in the moment.

582

:

I mean, I think we could take a

few lessons from them sometimes.

583

:

They live in the moment and what is

happening right now is everything.

584

:

So, to to be able to look through

their eyes and see how that feels.

585

:

Again, going back to those feelings,

feelings are just so important and

586

:

to see that they're under a lot

of stress when they feel that way

587

:

and meet them where they're at.

588

:

And then move them forward to

what you were saying is, you

589

:

know, take a look at that.

590

:

One of the programs we teach is

Kids Have Stress Too, and that's

591

:

going to be coming up in the fall.

592

:

But they take a look at the open hand.

593

:

So you stretch your five fingers

out, and you ask the child,

594

:

How big a problem is this?

595

:

Right?

596

:

And I always start with the little

finger because it's little, right?

597

:

So the little finger is always

just a little bit of a problem.

598

:

The, the next finger is, well, it's,

it's kind of bugging me right now.

599

:

The third finger in the middle, you

know, the one that we use to let

600

:

people know we're upset, says that

we need to deal with that right now.

601

:

The pointer finger...

602

:

is the one that says, you know what?

603

:

It's getting beyond my control.

604

:

I can't handle it.

605

:

And that great big thumb, this is a big

problem we need to deal with it right now.

606

:

So asking them to evaluate and

see how much of a problem it is.

607

:

And then afterwards coming back

to them and saying, so how are

608

:

you feeling about this now?

609

:

Now that we've resolved it a bit,

is it still that big a problem?

610

:

And often that That big thumb problem

now is a fourth finger problem.

611

:

It's just a little bit of a problem.

612

:

So it helps them understand, like you

were saying that, okay, it felt like a

613

:

big problem right then, but maybe it's, it

doesn't, it's not going to stay that way.

614

:

If I move towards some kind of resolution

or if I work towards it, or even if

615

:

I just share it with somebody else.

616

:

So that I'm not dealing with it alone,

then it becomes a lot lesser of a problem.

617

:

So it's helping them, it's giving

them a concrete way to evaluate just

618

:

how much of a problem it is and, you

know, and come back at it again another

619

:

day too, and say, remember when you

were feeling so tough about that?

620

:

Where, where are you at now?

621

:

How does, how does it feel now?

622

:

Just so that they can know that they're

not stuck in the moment, that what

623

:

you feel right now is gonna change.

624

:

And so that may be helpful

in their situation, too.

625

:

It takes a little bit of getting used to.

626

:

It, yeah, it feels like so

much, you know, for those of us

627

:

who are becoming middle aged.

628

:

Um, you know, with the, with the baby

boomer parents who were raised with,

629

:

you know, nothing is a problem, kind of

man up and, Drink and, you know, don't

630

:

talk about it and then our generation

was raised with the beginning of,

631

:

you know, everything is a problem.

632

:

Talk about everything.

633

:

Everything is a huge deal and trying

to find a healthy balance between

634

:

I'm not negating the way you feel

about this, but also it's not that

635

:

big a deal, you know, so that we can.

636

:

Save the energy for when it is a big

deal and we can really, you know, yeah.

637

:

And we call, I mean, the whole, the

whole area of parenting, we call

638

:

that the parenting pendulum, right?

639

:

It swings to one end.

640

:

And you know, we, like you said, my

generation grew up, kids should be,

641

:

you know, not seen and not heard.

642

:

Basically not be a problem.

643

:

And the same thing with anger.

644

:

We are not supposed to get angry.

645

:

We are not supposed to

get upset in our culture.

646

:

That's just not acceptable.

647

:

And then the pendulum swings all the

way to the other end, where again, we're

648

:

checking in about absolutely everything.

649

:

We're giving awards for

absolutely everything.

650

:

And, you know, we have

to validate everything.

651

:

Somewhere in the middle of that

is where we need to end up.

652

:

But, you know, we have a tendency

to swing one way and then

653

:

swing way back the other way.

654

:

So, you know, I think Barbara Coloroso,

um, Said it best way, way back when

655

:

I was raising my kids, you know,

you've got the jellyfish families that

656

:

just can't make a decision because

everybody needs their input and

657

:

everybody needs to be okay with it.

658

:

And, and then you have your brick wall

parenting in there that says my way or

659

:

the highway kid, and that's just it.

660

:

And somewhere in there, we need to help

these kids grow up with a backbone,

661

:

you know, because we're really talking

about resilience in here, right?

662

:

I really like the example you gave with

the hand because I think, and reflecting

663

:

back on it too, because I need, I thought

of myself, you know, like on the day

664

:

where a bunch of things have gone wrong,

dropping dinner on the floor, all of

665

:

a sudden seems like the thumb, right?

666

:

Where if it was first thing in

the morning and nothing had gone

667

:

wrong yet, you know, like then.

668

:

It's like, oh, no deal.

669

:

I can clean that up and

I can laugh about it.

670

:

But on the day, you know, and

same with our kids, right?

671

:

Like at the end of the day maybe they've

come home from school and they've held

672

:

it together all day long and then that

incident with their sibling is the

673

:

thing that pushes them over the edge.

674

:

And in that moment, that's the worst

thing that's ever happened to them.

675

:

But it's also because the whole day's

worth of events have compiled into this

676

:

one blowout and yeah, you look back

on it later and you're like, oh, yeah.

677

:

It wasn't that big of a deal, you know,

and another time I could have handled

678

:

it, but that day I couldn't, but, but

looking back on that situation and

679

:

reflecting on it later is, is a good,

good way to think about revisiting it.

680

:

And sometimes I know as a parent, I

don't want to talk about it again.

681

:

And we're like, well, we got over that.

682

:

Let's not bring it up.

683

:

Yeah, yeah.

684

:

Let's sweep that under the rug

and pretend it never happened.

685

:

But let speaking dogs lie.

686

:

I think you bring up

another point, though.

687

:

I mean, you're, you're basically telling

us it really wasn't what happened.

688

:

What you were really dealing

with was stress, right?

689

:

And I mean, for, for our families,

our agricultural families, There is so

690

:

many things that are dealing with this.

691

:

There is not another

occupation with as much stress.

692

:

There is so many things

we don't get to control.

693

:

There is so many things in there.

694

:

We need to be aware and help make our

kids aware that they're feeling stressed.

695

:

And what do you do about that?

696

:

Right.

697

:

There are different ways to handle that

so that you can lessen some of that stress

698

:

because again, it's not about the TV.

699

:

It's not about, you know, dropping

the dinner on the floor, although that

700

:

would devastate our family tremendously.

701

:

We, you know, it's not about that.

702

:

It's about the stress that you're carrying

with you when you're trying to deal with

703

:

the stuff that's going on during the day.

704

:

So, you know, Stuart Shanker, who is

one of our Canadian gurus in the whole

705

:

area of self regulation and dealing

with stress, He is all about the stress.

706

:

Do what you can to manage the

stress and everything else

707

:

will start to fall into place.

708

:

And again, part of managing that

stress is going back to those basics.

709

:

Parent with, you know, with warmth and

structure so that kids feel safe and

710

:

secure and loved and that the world is

okay that they're not doing this alone.

711

:

And structure where we go in and

we support things and we help them

712

:

deal with the stress and manage

the stress and lower events.

713

:

stress so that they can start

making decisions themselves.

714

:

That leads really well into my next

question, because I was thinking about

715

:

that, you know, that those feelings

of busyness and stress and how we're

716

:

always as parents and farmers feeling

like we're pulled in different

717

:

directions and yet we're trying.

718

:

To also meet the needs of multiple kids,

if we're talking about siblings, that

719

:

means we've got more, more than one child

in our home, or even one is a lot of work.

720

:

I'm not saying that that's not, but

trying to balance the concept of having

721

:

one on one time, having family time,

meeting the needs of different kids.

722

:

How do we try and find some

sense of balance in there?

723

:

Because sometimes even just the

expectation that those are things

724

:

that we need to do ends up, you

know, making it feel like too much.

725

:

It is.

726

:

And with COVID, I mean,

everything has been exacerbated

727

:

around those areas, right?

728

:

I mean, it changed our whole world in

there, and we're coming through it.

729

:

You know, I'm not sure we'll ever

be done with it, but basically

730

:

you're talking about mental health.

731

:

Right?

732

:

You're talking about how do

we balance all of this stuff.

733

:

And I think both of you guys have

hit that idea of, um, that whole bit

734

:

about, I just lost my train of thought.

735

:

This is amazing guys.

736

:

Um, I guess we're talking about mental

health in there and that balance.

737

:

Oh, I know what it was.

738

:

We have, we have this idea that.

739

:

We're supposed to be equal

with our kids, that there's

740

:

supposed to be equality in here.

741

:

And I think that's a farce.

742

:

You know, from early on, especially

again, our agricultural families,

743

:

those involved in farming.

744

:

Farming teaches you that life is not fair.

745

:

It just doesn't happen that way.

746

:

So when it comes to mental health.

747

:

You have to take care of

yourself first, right?

748

:

If you're going to manage all of this

stuff, if you're going to manage the

749

:

kids, if you're going to manage the

farm, if you're going to manage your own

750

:

life and everything that's going on, you

can't give from an empty bucket, right?

751

:

So, we need to find ways to, to do

some self care, to fill our own bucket.

752

:

And I, I hate that word self care because

I don't even know what that means mostly.

753

:

I just know that I'm not doing okay.

754

:

But part of it for, for me here,

I think is learning to delegate.

755

:

And for those of us that are

strong, we don't want to delegate.

756

:

It's kind of like the anger issue.

757

:

If you delegate, you're seen as weak.

758

:

If you show these things, then you're not

doing what you're supposed to be doing.

759

:

That's a bunch of horse

hockey too here, right?

760

:

So.

761

:

For me, I needed to learn to delegate.

762

:

I needed to let go of some of those

things that I feel like I have to control.

763

:

We call them shoulds in our life.

764

:

You know, I should be able to do this.

765

:

I should manage that as well.

766

:

It's always been done this way, so I

should be able to do it that way as well.

767

:

Get rid of the shoulds.

768

:

Figure out what it is you

need to make things work.

769

:

for you in there.

770

:

So delegate some of those things that

you don't have to have control over.

771

:

Give them off to other

people, ask for help.

772

:

And that's, I mean, I say that very

easily sitting here at my dining room

773

:

table, much, much harder to do when

you're out in the world in front of

774

:

other people, ask for help, get divide

things up in there with the kids.

775

:

It's hard now because we used to have

people who were at home around us.

776

:

You know, when I first moved out here

and our kids were little, our nearest

777

:

neighbours were miles and miles away.

778

:

And, you know, even the first

one that wasn't, um, Wasn't close

779

:

by they they weren't even there.

780

:

You know, they were off to work or

they were off doing other things.

781

:

So In the in the days before that I think

we had people around us or we had multi

782

:

generational houses Where there were

people there that could help out and so

783

:

we had cooperative daycare in there If

that's something that you can set up,

784

:

I mean, you know It doesn't have to be

paid daycare in somebody's home or in

785

:

centers, but to say, you know what, we've

got this coming up, um, you talked, so

786

:

we were chatting a little bit before all

of this started, and Arlene was saying

787

:

that, you know, they're into prom season

at their house because your kids are a

788

:

little bit older, and that you had to

wash the tractor, and I'm searching in

789

:

my brain, What the hell does washing the

tractor have to do with prom time, right?

790

:

Well, they're driving the tractor to

prom, which I think is so amazing,

791

:

but you can't clean the tractor till

after the spraying's done, right?

792

:

So if you can have some kind of

cooperative, uh, going on in your area

793

:

where, when things become too much

that the kids can go there for a while,

794

:

and then you will take their kids for

a little while and just do some care

795

:

or just head them off to activities.

796

:

Right, maybe somebody picks up two or

three sets of kids and heads off into

797

:

town and goes and does, you know, heads

to the swimming pool or goes and does

798

:

something in there, the park even,

that are keeping the kids occupied

799

:

and give the other people a break.

800

:

So that's not always on your plate.

801

:

So Get cooperative here.

802

:

I mean, farming co ops have

been around for a long time.

803

:

Let's have parenting co ops in here, too.

804

:

Used to be something we did.

805

:

We've gotten away from it.

806

:

And I think, too, remembering,

you talk about one on one time

807

:

with the kids, which is awesome.

808

:

If you can do one on one time

with each kid, that's great.

809

:

But to remember that...

810

:

Sometimes, just taking a bunch of very

small moments in the day, 30 seconds,

811

:

a minute, a minute and a half, when

that child comes to you, stopping

812

:

what you're doing, getting down to

their level, listening to what they're

813

:

saying, uh, being a part of what they

are sharing with you, will meet those

814

:

needs that are underneath there.

815

:

They get that connection.

816

:

They get that sense of

safety and security.

817

:

Then they're quite happy to head off

and go do something else for a while.

818

:

If you keep pushing them off and fending

them off and don't take the time.

819

:

just for a very short time.

820

:

And I'm not talking, you know, like

half a day, I'm talking, you know,

821

:

two or three minutes to do that.

822

:

Then they're good and gone again.

823

:

You're not going to get a half a day.

824

:

You're going to get 10,

15 minutes out of it.

825

:

But a lot of those little tiny

moments add up to just as much

826

:

as doing a big one on one time.

827

:

And those are the times when they

know when they need you, you're there.

828

:

Not always possible, right?

829

:

I mean, if we're out on the tractors, if

we're out in the fields, or if we're in

830

:

some place that isn't safe for the kids to

be, always looking at health and safety,

831

:

then that's not possible, you know?

832

:

But we, we do our best to

treat kids uniquely in there.

833

:

Just because one kid wants the remote for

the TV doesn't mean that's even an issue.

834

:

For the other kid, right?

835

:

We talk about boots and

pancakes in our house.

836

:

If we're all sitting down at the breakfast

table having pancakes and the eight year

837

:

old says, yep, I want four pancakes.

838

:

We give them four pancakes.

839

:

The two year old then pipes up.

840

:

I want four pancakes.

841

:

Well, we know they're only gonna

to eat one, so they don't get four

842

:

pancakes on their on their plate.

843

:

They get one pancake and then when

they say, but he got four, we come back

844

:

to them with, this isn't about them.

845

:

This is about you.

846

:

What is it you need right now?

847

:

And helping them look at their own needs,

not in comparison to everybody else.

848

:

Because kids do have differences in there.

849

:

And if you finish that one pancake and

you want more, there's a whole plate.

850

:

Grab another one.

851

:

Go for it.

852

:

If you want another one after you

finish that one, go for another one.

853

:

There are lots of pancakes.

854

:

But we treat kids uniquely, not equally.

855

:

So if Kate needs a new pair of boots,

cause she's grown and hers are done, it

856

:

doesn't mean I'm going to buy everybody

else in the house a pair of rubber boots.

857

:

Kate needs rubber boots,

she gets rubber boots.

858

:

Somebody else needs a backpack.

859

:

Somebody else needs an extra story

at bedtime and a little extra cuddle.

860

:

So we try and meet the individual

needs of each child in there.

861

:

If do not, do not let them draw you back

into, but they, you know, but she, but

862

:

he, no, we're not talking about them.

863

:

We're talking about you and

what you need right now.

864

:

And this is again, so easy to

say, sitting here by myself,

865

:

watching the dog lick himself over

there in the living room, right?

866

:

Much harder to do when

you're in the middle.

867

:

with very emotional kids in there,

but we're also going to give our time

868

:

according to the children's needs, right?

869

:

Your prom queen may need some little extra

reassurance right now because that's a big

870

:

thing arriving in a tractor, showing up in

a dress, doing something that's different

871

:

and out of your comfort zone, right?

872

:

She may need that little

extra reassurance.

873

:

Where the guys are just quite fine to

head off on the four wheelers and go

874

:

do something out in the fields, right?

875

:

We give our time according

to the child's need.

876

:

And if we don't have the time right now,

because you've taken all those little

877

:

times for when they've come to you over

the years and said, yeah, I hear you.

878

:

I see a awesome rock.

879

:

Yeah.

880

:

Love the stripe in the middle of the rock.

881

:

That's really cool.

882

:

And away they go.

883

:

They can, they know you're there for them.

884

:

They know you've got their back.

885

:

You've built those

foundational blocks underneath.

886

:

So you say to them, you know what,

I have to finish this right now.

887

:

I don't have a choice,

this has to get done.

888

:

But as soon as I'm done, I'm

going to come and find you and

889

:

listen to what you have to say.

890

:

Because that's also important.

891

:

I just can't do it right now.

892

:

So not only are you taking care

of yourself, you're modeling

893

:

for them how to do that.

894

:

So when they get under too much stress

and they're being asked for too much,

895

:

they know the words and they know how

to step up and say, You know what?

896

:

I hear ya.

897

:

That's what you have to say is important.

898

:

Just can't do it right now.

899

:

Give me ten minutes or I'll

see you right after supper.

900

:

Right?

901

:

And we're teaching them

how to do those things.

902

:

Cause that's how they learn, right?

903

:

Blah, blah, blah.

904

:

That's my soapbox.

905

:

Caite: Jane, I, I totally feel that.

906

:

And I keep, I'm amazed at how much it's

helping me to tell myself that every time

907

:

that my kids see me get frustrated or

angry And they see me deal with it in an

908

:

appropriate and healthy way and apologize

to anyone I may have hurt in the meantime.

909

:

That that is actually good for them to see

because I think so many of us were raised

910

:

with, you know, We do not have feelings.

911

:

Feelings are not something we do.

912

:

You know, that We're showing

them how to be humans.

913

:

And I also feel like I'm probably saying

it in my sleep at this point, that

914

:

the girl child will say, well, the boy

child did X, Y, and Z, and I have to

915

:

say, who is in charge of the boy child?

916

:

The boy child is in charge of him.

917

:

Mommy and Daddy are in charge of him.

918

:

You are not in charge of him.

919

:

You know, and it's just

this constant thing.

920

:

So...

921

:

Next question here in our small town.

922

:

Jane: Just before you go

to your next one, Kate.

923

:

Let's just add one more

step in there as well.

924

:

And just acknowledge where she's at.

925

:

Oh, you feel like you need

to be in charge of that.

926

:

You feel like you need to

have some control over that.

927

:

And just state those, you know, how

she's feeling and meet her there.

928

:

And then move her on to that.

929

:

Because I think that's a

huge part of it in there.

930

:

You know, we know.

931

:

We're doing that in our head all

the time, but again, like you

932

:

said, we're modeling for them.

933

:

So when we stop and we just take that

second to describe what's going on here

934

:

and what might be the problem, we're

also teaching them to be able to stop,

935

:

breathe, and see what the problem is

that you're actually dealing with.

936

:

So good point in there.

937

:

Well, and I think that's a really

good reminder because as someone who,

938

:

um, It can be overly helpful, myself.

939

:

Um, it's hard to remember that we

have to let people make their own

940

:

mistakes, or what might look like

mistakes to us, and that that is

941

:

not our responsibility to fix it for

them, unless they're asking for help.

942

:

Just because she sees what she

thinks is a better way for him to

943

:

be doing something does not mean

that he needs to do it that way.

944

:

Exactly.

945

:

But as, as strong...

946

:

Which is a hard lesson to remember even...

947

:

As strong women though, I mean, that comes

from a good place in our hearts, right?

948

:

And from, in her, you know,

hopefully somewhere deeper...

949

:

Down in her heart, too.

950

:

She's there saying, but

I can see a better way.

951

:

I can help him with this.

952

:

I can make his life easier and recognize

that that often, you know, for strong

953

:

people, strong willed people, um, That

often is something that we have to

954

:

remind them that just because we can do

it better, we need to give those other

955

:

people a chance for their light to shine

and to try it that their way, because

956

:

sometimes that's how they learn, right?

957

:

But to remember that it does come from

a good place in their heart and not

958

:

just from, screw this, I know how to

do it better, do it my way, right?

959

:

Caite: Jane, I just realized that problem.

960

:

Sorry Arlene, that probably says

something about why she's so obsessed

961

:

with tucking him into bed and giving

him all his stuffed animals and fluffing

962

:

his pillow and everything because

it's the one time that she can just

963

:

do stuff without him pushing back.

964

:

Jane: I know we spend a lot of time

in our house saying, well, more so

965

:

when they were little and I think that

we, it says finally over many, many

966

:

repetitions gotten through is asking

someone if they want help first.

967

:

Because if you step in and

help them without their

968

:

permission, that's not helpful.

969

:

And you have to, we have to

ask first, do you want help?

970

:

And if they say no, then

you have to believe them.

971

:

You can ask again if they

really seem to be struggling.

972

:

But, but I've always, I've really

worked hard on trying to teach the

973

:

kids, especially with their siblings.

974

:

It's only helpful if they want

your help and it's not helpful.

975

:

if you step in and do it for

them without their permission.

976

:

That's, that's called being an ally.

977

:

We were doing some staff

training, um, about.

978

:

Being an ally and being inclusive and,

um, diversity and, and that was the point

979

:

of the whole training was that you may

be doing it from a good place in your

980

:

heart, but unless the other person really

wants you to do this, it is not helpful.

981

:

So step in and do not take again.

982

:

We're back to that whole

power thing, right?

983

:

And I mean, I'm sure your young gal

looks at you, Kate, and says, you

984

:

know, this is, this is how mom does it.

985

:

So I'm going to step in and do

this because it works and it makes.

986

:

me feel good.

987

:

And you know, there she is.

988

:

It's just not always

appreciated at the age she's at.

989

:

Right.

990

:

And again, we can, you know, we know the

difference between when it's a health and

991

:

safety issue and we have to step in and

it's my way or the highway kid, or whether

992

:

it's one of those times where we just say.

993

:

Okay, preventable accident speech on hold.

994

:

We're gonna let you do it

your way and see what happens.

995

:

But I think you guys are both

really right in that in our culture,

996

:

we're not supposed to be angry,

we're not supposed to be upset.

997

:

So you guys have to be...

998

:

Those, uh, parental detectives in

there and say, what are they supposed

999

:

to do when they feel like that?

:

00:56:07,900 --> 00:56:10,840

What is okay and acceptable in your house?

:

00:56:11,390 --> 00:56:13,050

You know, how do you show anger?

:

00:56:13,050 --> 00:56:14,630

How do you show frustration?

:

00:56:14,950 --> 00:56:17,120

How do you show those big feelings?

:

00:56:17,430 --> 00:56:19,739

Because our culture says we're

not supposed to have them.

:

00:56:20,450 --> 00:56:21,970

So that's, that's a tough one.

:

00:56:21,970 --> 00:56:27,490

And I think that's unique for every family

situation is how to, you know, what you're

:

00:56:27,490 --> 00:56:29,100

allowed to do when you feel that way.

:

00:56:31,420 --> 00:56:33,640

But look at us here

having this discussion.

:

00:56:33,820 --> 00:56:34,450

So,

:

00:56:38,510 --> 00:56:44,999

Caite: I, uh, I very, very much struggle

with possibly my biggest personality.

:

00:56:45,265 --> 00:56:46,455

flaw that I am aware of.

:

00:56:46,455 --> 00:56:51,295

I'm sure there are many that I

have just not really gotten a good

:

00:56:51,295 --> 00:56:55,404

handle on, is wanting to help people

whether they want my help or not.

:

00:56:55,705 --> 00:57:00,254

And it's a, it's a family trait

that I come by honestly, but I would

:

00:57:00,254 --> 00:57:04,644

really like it to substantially

decrease with the next generation.

:

00:57:05,525 --> 00:57:08,955

You know, we're not going for

perfection, we're going for improvement.

:

00:57:08,964 --> 00:57:11,634

Right, and I love the, I love

the fact you said decrease.

:

00:57:11,645 --> 00:57:12,555

So Jane, it's...

:

00:57:12,565 --> 00:57:17,294

Because we wouldn't want that to be,

to be lost in there either, right?

:

00:57:17,295 --> 00:57:21,554

Because here you guys are doing this

podcast for exactly that reason.

:

00:57:21,575 --> 00:57:25,994

Because you're out in the world making

it a better place, helping people, right?

:

00:57:26,024 --> 00:57:28,004

So we don't want to lose it all together.

:

00:57:28,814 --> 00:57:30,924

Yeah, but we're not

forcing anybody to listen.

:

00:57:31,589 --> 00:57:35,069

So I figure if they came here and

listened to it, they wanted our help.

:

00:57:35,069 --> 00:57:37,799

And if they didn't want our help,

they can go listen to something else.

:

00:57:38,430 --> 00:57:40,740

Which is not to say you should all

leave and go listen to something

:

00:57:40,799 --> 00:57:43,140

else, , but it's your choice.

:

00:57:43,589 --> 00:57:49,020

So Jane, our, our small town I think

is maybe a little unusual with how

:

00:57:49,020 --> 00:57:51,629

many kids are close together in age.

:

00:57:52,350 --> 00:57:57,690

But, you know, my kids are 16 months

apart and so they, especially now that

:

00:57:57,690 --> 00:57:59,850

they're getting a little older, they're.

:

00:58:00,700 --> 00:58:05,480

Functioning a lot more like twins than

like siblings who are further apart

:

00:58:05,509 --> 00:58:08,970

might, um, because developmentally

they're quite close in age.

:

00:58:09,649 --> 00:58:13,259

But we're starting to get to that

point where they have different

:

00:58:13,259 --> 00:58:16,250

groups of friends, you know, when

they were in daycare and they were in

:

00:58:16,250 --> 00:58:17,950

the same classroom together all day.

:

00:58:18,549 --> 00:58:22,779

They all knew all the same kids, but

now there's, there's different groups

:

00:58:22,779 --> 00:58:25,989

and there's, you know, the girl child

wants to have her little friends

:

00:58:25,989 --> 00:58:28,959

over, but not the boy child's friends.

:

00:58:29,299 --> 00:58:29,779

End.

:

00:58:30,529 --> 00:58:31,569

You know, or vice versa.

:

00:58:31,600 --> 00:58:38,879

And I'm wondering how to

help them navigate that.

:

00:58:38,959 --> 00:58:42,450

I mean, as I said, I'm an only

child, so I don't have any

:

00:58:42,450 --> 00:58:44,379

experience with any of this.

:

00:58:44,430 --> 00:58:48,039

And this is, you know, I don't

want to force them to all

:

00:58:48,040 --> 00:58:49,519

play together all the time.

:

00:58:50,119 --> 00:58:51,009

But also...

:

00:58:53,299 --> 00:58:56,459

All their little friends have siblings

that are the same age too, so it's

:

00:58:56,459 --> 00:59:00,620

easy to just end up with a, you know,

we had everybody every Saturday night.

:

00:59:00,660 --> 00:59:04,649

There's just a pack of kids that are

all within like 3 years of each other

:

00:59:04,789 --> 00:59:07,160

and they just, it's just a swarm.

:

00:59:07,569 --> 00:59:11,439

Jane: So I think, I think in pictures and

as you've been describing this, that's

:

00:59:11,439 --> 00:59:16,329

exactly what I saw was just a pack of

little wolf pups all together, right?

:

00:59:16,669 --> 00:59:18,379

All just crawling all over each other.

:

00:59:18,379 --> 00:59:19,379

It basically is.

:

00:59:19,390 --> 00:59:20,120

It's scary.

:

00:59:20,390 --> 00:59:20,749

Um.

:

00:59:21,200 --> 00:59:26,549

That's a really great question because

I think again, we go back to treating

:

00:59:26,549 --> 00:59:32,620

kids uniquely so that they have a sense

of self and we really, really need to

:

00:59:32,620 --> 00:59:36,350

resist that urge to compare kids, right?

:

00:59:36,350 --> 00:59:39,979

We need to let them be their

own person and value what

:

00:59:39,979 --> 00:59:41,469

they're bringing to the table.

:

00:59:41,779 --> 00:59:43,159

Um, basically.

:

00:59:43,630 --> 00:59:46,160

We want them to have autonomy, right?

:

00:59:46,390 --> 00:59:49,670

Autonomy is being able to govern yourself.

:

00:59:49,670 --> 00:59:50,800

It's self governance.

:

00:59:51,150 --> 00:59:56,649

Making your own choices from your

morals and your ethics inside you.

:

00:59:57,010 --> 00:59:59,420

Um, dealing with the

consequences of those.

:

01:00:00,145 --> 01:00:06,195

You know, really being your own person

in the world, and so that is a lot

:

01:00:06,215 --> 01:00:08,984

harder when they're very close in age.

:

01:00:09,245 --> 01:00:14,184

Because, like you said, they're able to

do a lot of what the other child is to do.

:

01:00:14,184 --> 01:00:15,755

They're together all the time.

:

01:00:16,054 --> 01:00:20,700

Um, when they're a little bit further

apart, The skills and abilities

:

01:00:20,780 --> 01:00:22,370

are a little bit further apart.

:

01:00:22,870 --> 01:00:28,960

And so one of the things you really

have to do is work on making sure again

:

01:00:28,960 --> 01:00:32,610

that we're treating kids uniquely,

that we're not pulling them in just

:

01:00:32,620 --> 01:00:36,660

because this person is heading off with

that person doesn't mean you get to

:

01:00:36,660 --> 01:00:39,269

because they're their own person, right?

:

01:00:39,290 --> 01:00:43,600

And that really reflects back on the

conversation we just had about help

:

01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:49,280

is that They get to make their own

decisions for their own life as long

:

01:00:49,280 --> 01:00:50,570

as they're age appropriate, right?

:

01:00:51,800 --> 01:00:56,000

So I think really what we're talking

in there is about resilience and

:

01:00:56,550 --> 01:00:59,250

correct me if I'm wrong, but I

think that's what our very first

:

01:00:59,560 --> 01:01:01,510

broadcast together was about, right?

:

01:01:01,510 --> 01:01:02,760

Was about resiliency.

:

01:01:02,980 --> 01:01:07,790

So you can go back in the, in the data

and find it there, but resilience.

:

01:01:08,095 --> 01:01:12,295

Resiliency, you know, we can show

empathy when feelings get hurt.

:

01:01:12,565 --> 01:01:16,435

When they're off with a different

group, and you're not a part of that.

:

01:01:16,885 --> 01:01:18,565

To step in and help the child.

:

01:01:18,565 --> 01:01:21,025

The one that's heading

off is probably fine.

:

01:01:21,295 --> 01:01:22,884

They're off doing their own thing.

:

01:01:22,895 --> 01:01:24,525

They're off managing their own life.

:

01:01:24,775 --> 01:01:25,974

They're with their own people.

:

01:01:26,195 --> 01:01:29,405

But the one who gets left

behind, it's a good time for a

:

01:01:29,405 --> 01:01:30,715

little bit of bonding in there.

:

01:01:31,125 --> 01:01:36,975

So we show some empathy, but we also show

a positive attitude about that, right?

:

01:01:36,995 --> 01:01:41,655

And I think that comes back to maybe

not just what we do in the moment,

:

01:01:41,945 --> 01:01:43,865

but how we live our lives in there.

:

01:01:44,055 --> 01:01:45,834

And you guys are such thinkers.

:

01:01:45,834 --> 01:01:50,305

The questions you come up with and

your thoughts as we're talking really

:

01:01:50,315 --> 01:01:54,045

go back to showing that you take the

information and you really think about it.

:

01:01:54,395 --> 01:01:58,085

So I think part of it is, is

going back and living a life

:

01:01:58,085 --> 01:01:59,575

with intention, living a life.

:

01:02:00,035 --> 01:02:04,075

Where we teach and practice

gratitude in there.

:

01:02:04,505 --> 01:02:10,155

And so when we do come on times where

our feelings are hurt, or we're upset, we

:

01:02:10,155 --> 01:02:14,675

acknowledge the feelings, but then we also

look back and say, Hang on here, you know,

:

01:02:14,944 --> 01:02:17,605

what, what is good about this right now?

:

01:02:17,905 --> 01:02:18,145

Right?

:

01:02:18,145 --> 01:02:22,305

It gives you and I time together

and to find the little highlights

:

01:02:22,325 --> 01:02:24,625

in there in this situation.

:

01:02:24,965 --> 01:02:29,435

And if you live a life where you're

constantly looking at gratitude in

:

01:02:29,435 --> 01:02:34,614

there, then when you have a tough

time, you can stop, you can take a

:

01:02:34,624 --> 01:02:38,235

big breath and say, hang on, I don't

like how I'm feeling right now.

:

01:02:38,545 --> 01:02:44,165

What do I need to do to change that so

we can go back and change it by thinking

:

01:02:44,175 --> 01:02:48,715

of things we are thankful for right

now, just because this isn't going our

:

01:02:48,715 --> 01:02:54,124

way, what are things, you know, that are

good about right now and trying to get

:

01:02:54,125 --> 01:02:58,575

into that positive attitude in there,

but it needs to come with a heavy dose

:

01:02:58,865 --> 01:03:01,095

of what we call realistic optimism.

:

01:03:01,645 --> 01:03:02,005

Right?

:

01:03:02,195 --> 01:03:07,325

Because the reality is, my sibling

is my sibling and they have the

:

01:03:07,325 --> 01:03:11,185

right to be off and doing other

things, not with me all the time.

:

01:03:11,485 --> 01:03:15,445

The reality is also that that

does hurt my feelings, right?

:

01:03:16,134 --> 01:03:17,785

But where do I go from there?

:

01:03:18,085 --> 01:03:21,095

So we can be our own positive

coach in those situations.

:

01:03:21,735 --> 01:03:24,685

When we do the Bounce Back and

Thrive program, which we just

:

01:03:24,685 --> 01:03:26,805

finished up here in Ontario.

:

01:03:27,445 --> 01:03:33,385

You know, we talk about, um, how we

talk to ourselves, then that makes a

:

01:03:33,385 --> 01:03:38,614

difference, because the talk that's

going on in our heads dictates our

:

01:03:38,614 --> 01:03:44,024

emotions, how we feel, and how we

feel dictates our actions in there.

:

01:03:44,325 --> 01:03:48,765

So if we can change that talk that's

going on in our head, and be a more

:

01:03:48,775 --> 01:03:53,005

positive coach and say, hang on, yes,

you're feeling sad, you're having a

:

01:03:53,005 --> 01:03:56,714

nice little pity party here, but if

you don't like how that's feeling,

:

01:03:57,110 --> 01:03:58,700

Then let's look at this differently.

:

01:03:58,970 --> 01:04:00,790

I'm happy that they're off and away.

:

01:04:01,010 --> 01:04:04,980

Now I get some time to be here and

doing my own things without them

:

01:04:04,980 --> 01:04:08,500

bugging me, you know, all of those

things and be that positive coach.

:

01:04:08,720 --> 01:04:09,659

I can do this.

:

01:04:09,930 --> 01:04:12,209

They're going to be back

later in the afternoon.

:

01:04:12,450 --> 01:04:16,370

Maybe they'll come back in a really

good mood, you know, and then maybe

:

01:04:16,370 --> 01:04:19,620

they'll even feel a little bit guilty

and they'll want to do what I want to

:

01:04:19,620 --> 01:04:21,380

do because they've been away, right?

:

01:04:21,410 --> 01:04:25,580

There's all sorts of positive ways, but

switching that talk around in your head.

:

01:04:25,945 --> 01:04:29,145

So that you can be your own

positive coach in there.

:

01:04:29,715 --> 01:04:34,725

The other thing we did here at the house,

because we have three kids and man from

:

01:04:34,725 --> 01:04:38,925

the same genetic pool, I don't know how

they could be so different, but they are.

:

01:04:39,265 --> 01:04:44,685

And our youngest one did not have

that sunny first attitude and

:

01:04:44,695 --> 01:04:46,455

that positive mood in the world.

:

01:04:46,755 --> 01:04:48,755

She was kind of a negative Nelly.

:

01:04:48,995 --> 01:04:55,510

Um, she, is now a massage therapist and is

out helping the world in tremendous ways.

:

01:04:55,840 --> 01:04:58,360

But we went through a time

where everything was like,

:

01:04:58,380 --> 01:05:00,160

Oh man, life just sucks.

:

01:05:00,610 --> 01:05:01,090

So.

:

01:05:02,210 --> 01:05:06,010

We actually made a list of

what makes you feel good.

:

01:05:06,300 --> 01:05:09,180

So when you're feeling that

way, we would acknowledge that.

:

01:05:09,180 --> 01:05:10,860

Oh, this is a tough day.

:

01:05:10,870 --> 01:05:13,639

One of those days where you're

not feeling good about things.

:

01:05:14,000 --> 01:05:15,100

Go check the list.

:

01:05:15,180 --> 01:05:17,769

If you want to change

that, you can do that.

:

01:05:17,788 --> 01:05:21,279

Go pull something off the

list that makes you feel good.

:

01:05:21,300 --> 01:05:23,740

And for her, it was about the animals.

:

01:05:23,930 --> 01:05:26,070

Go grabbing the cat and petting the cat.

:

01:05:26,290 --> 01:05:27,550

She loves to be outside.

:

01:05:27,725 --> 01:05:27,925

Right?

:

01:05:27,935 --> 01:05:29,065

She, she kayaks.

:

01:05:29,065 --> 01:05:30,695

She does all sorts of things.

:

01:05:30,695 --> 01:05:31,955

She cross country skis.

:

01:05:32,385 --> 01:05:36,015

So for her, she would choose

something off of her list that we

:

01:05:36,015 --> 01:05:40,145

had made and stuck to the wall,

puts the control back in her hands.

:

01:05:40,404 --> 01:05:42,315

So she's not a victim here.

:

01:05:42,615 --> 01:05:46,485

She's a powerful, you know, young

lady who gets to go and choose with

:

01:05:46,485 --> 01:05:48,805

awareness what she wants to do.

:

01:05:49,215 --> 01:05:52,745

And so she would choose something

off the list and do that for a while.

:

01:05:53,105 --> 01:05:55,815

Um, if that wasn't enough, then

we would choose something else.

:

01:05:56,035 --> 01:05:59,245

There were things like playing

with Play Doh, asking to go and

:

01:05:59,245 --> 01:06:01,425

use the pool, um, doing painting.

:

01:06:01,434 --> 01:06:04,325

She loves to be creative with things.

:

01:06:04,654 --> 01:06:07,615

So there were things like that

that got her out of where she

:

01:06:07,615 --> 01:06:10,265

was and into a better headspace.

:

01:06:10,870 --> 01:06:15,090

So, again, it's about you being you

and not just, and I'm looking at you,

:

01:06:15,260 --> 01:06:18,800

I know you guys can't see us, but I'm

seeing Kate pick up the fly swatter.

:

01:06:19,099 --> 01:06:24,880

Mosquitoes this year are horrendous and

I'm, I'm trying to ignore the one, the

:

01:06:24,940 --> 01:06:28,900

one, the three that are buzzing around

the back of my head here, but anyway,

:

01:06:28,930 --> 01:06:30,570

trying to be positive about this.

:

01:06:31,140 --> 01:06:34,620

Um, the other thing we did is

we had a channel changer, so

:

01:06:34,650 --> 01:06:36,620

just like a remote control here.

:

01:06:37,779 --> 01:06:42,890

Um, we made a channel changer out of a

Smarties box and we just put stickers

:

01:06:42,890 --> 01:06:46,830

on it and you could take that and

you could point it at your head and

:

01:06:46,830 --> 01:06:50,350

click any one of the buttons if you

didn't like the channel you were on.

:

01:06:50,740 --> 01:06:54,499

So if you were on the pity channel,

you could point that at your head and

:

01:06:54,500 --> 01:06:59,400

go click and you could decide that you

wanted to be on the feeling happy channel.

:

01:07:00,060 --> 01:07:01,630

And we practiced it as a game.

:

01:07:01,630 --> 01:07:05,620

We had home daycare here for a while,

when our kids were little, so that I

:

01:07:05,620 --> 01:07:06,990

could, I could be at home with them.

:

01:07:07,400 --> 01:07:09,409

And we would use it as a game.

:

01:07:09,460 --> 01:07:12,440

And we would click onto the silly

channel, and everybody would stick

:

01:07:12,440 --> 01:07:15,500

out their tongue, and dance around

the, you know, the living room.

:

01:07:15,788 --> 01:07:19,840

We would click it on the sad channel,

and everybody would burst into tears.

:

01:07:19,840 --> 01:07:21,360

And just so that you...

:

01:07:21,910 --> 01:07:26,350

Can help kids understand if you

don't like the feeling that you

:

01:07:26,350 --> 01:07:28,450

have, you're not stuck there.

:

01:07:28,900 --> 01:07:30,340

You can change that.

:

01:07:31,000 --> 01:07:32,470

We even had the homework channel.

:

01:07:32,475 --> 01:07:36,010

The kids would sit at the

table doing their homework and.

:

01:07:37,070 --> 01:07:40,430

Um, I would holler from the kitchen,

doesn't sound like you're getting your

:

01:07:40,430 --> 01:07:43,660

homework done, get on the homework

channel, and they would take an

:

01:07:43,660 --> 01:07:47,970

imaginary remote, point it at their

head and go click, and we would

:

01:07:47,970 --> 01:07:49,690

get ten more minutes of homework.

:

01:07:49,790 --> 01:07:52,639

Not a half an hour, maybe

five or ten minutes.

:

01:07:52,989 --> 01:07:55,540

But it's just a way of helping them.

:

01:07:55,920 --> 01:07:58,770

Realize that you don't have

to be stuck where you're at.

:

01:07:58,779 --> 01:08:03,830

You are in control, you are your

own person, and you get to choose.

:

01:08:04,260 --> 01:08:08,150

Sometimes it was a little overwhelming

and it just, they couldn't get there.

:

01:08:08,389 --> 01:08:11,750

And then we just show lots

and lots of empathy, right?

:

01:08:12,029 --> 01:08:16,899

But again, not stepping in too

quickly to fix it, and putting

:

01:08:16,899 --> 01:08:20,740

the power back in their hands, if

they're old enough to manage this.

:

01:08:20,950 --> 01:08:24,290

And you'd be surprised that three is

old enough to do this kind of stuff.

:

01:08:25,090 --> 01:08:28,500

But we're not trying to make it

equal for each of you, we're not

:

01:08:28,510 --> 01:08:32,200

trying to fix it, we're trying to

get you to take charge of your life.

:

01:08:32,550 --> 01:08:34,590

If you don't like it, change it.

:

01:08:35,050 --> 01:08:40,299

But we do empathize, we do support

in choosing and helping you learning

:

01:08:40,300 --> 01:08:41,658

to choose a different way to be.

:

01:08:43,190 --> 01:08:45,520

So there you go, there's

my other soapbox for today.

:

01:08:46,490 --> 01:08:49,540

Caite: Picturing one of our old remote

controls becoming repurposed here.

:

01:08:50,368 --> 01:08:54,200

Um, so another question that

I had, Jane, was about...

:

01:08:54,705 --> 01:08:58,165

Building the kinds of relationships

that we want our kids to have with

:

01:08:58,165 --> 01:09:03,145

each other now so that when they're

adults that hopefully fingers

:

01:09:03,165 --> 01:09:06,835

crossed, they actually are friends

and want to spend time together.

:

01:09:06,835 --> 01:09:10,484

I mean, of course, sorry,

there are no guarantees.

:

01:09:10,515 --> 01:09:13,395

You know, they like, you know,

they come into the world and they

:

01:09:13,395 --> 01:09:16,165

are who they are and maybe they're

not going to get along forever.

:

01:09:16,165 --> 01:09:20,565

But you know, as As parents, I think we

all would hope that our kids will enjoy

:

01:09:20,565 --> 01:09:22,415

spending time together as they grow up.

:

01:09:22,415 --> 01:09:26,325

So do you have any thoughts on, on

things we can do now when they're

:

01:09:26,325 --> 01:09:29,065

young or when they're teenagers

to develop those relationships?

:

01:09:37,055 --> 01:09:39,943

Jane: Yeah, well, you guys pick

the easy questions, don't you?

:

01:09:39,953 --> 01:09:40,955

Holy cow.

:

01:09:41,354 --> 01:09:46,955

Um, I think for this one,

yeah, no problem there.

:

01:09:47,305 --> 01:09:47,725

Um.

:

01:09:48,180 --> 01:09:50,970

I think you hit on a couple

of really key points.

:

01:09:50,979 --> 01:09:53,470

Number one, we don't get to

make that choice for them.

:

01:09:54,010 --> 01:09:58,500

Uh, we can do the best that we can now,

but that is, you know, some personalities

:

01:09:58,530 --> 01:10:04,859

mesh better than others, and some, you

know, will find ways to get along, but

:

01:10:04,860 --> 01:10:07,190

may never be just best friends in there.

:

01:10:07,650 --> 01:10:12,160

So again, I think growing up,

trying to do things so that

:

01:10:13,065 --> 01:10:14,315

That we've already talked about.

:

01:10:14,535 --> 01:10:17,475

Resisting that urge to compare, right?

:

01:10:17,555 --> 01:10:20,855

Don't set them up to

compete with each other.

:

01:10:21,505 --> 01:10:25,165

So, trying not to say, Come on,

you know, it's time to get up.

:

01:10:25,165 --> 01:10:27,305

Your brother's already

up and down at the table.

:

01:10:27,795 --> 01:10:33,434

Trying to get to the point where,

Where, um, Where we're talking

:

01:10:33,434 --> 01:10:35,659

about them and what they're doing.

:

01:10:36,210 --> 01:10:42,050

So describing what we see, what we

feel, um, what needs to be done without

:

01:10:42,050 --> 01:10:46,330

involving the other child so that we're

not setting them up for competition

:

01:10:46,330 --> 01:10:50,239

at an early age, which comes back

to bite them in their adult years.

:

01:10:50,570 --> 01:10:50,930

Right?

:

01:10:50,950 --> 01:10:53,229

So I think that's the

first thing to remember.

:

01:10:53,719 --> 01:10:57,630

The next, I think, is, is basically

looking at the stage your kid is at.

:

01:10:58,140 --> 01:11:02,309

So when we're talking about teens,

and you guys are, are all up there,

:

01:11:02,640 --> 01:11:08,315

um, Remembering that for them,

again, just like, you know, just

:

01:11:08,315 --> 01:11:11,505

like our three and four year olds,

they're at an age of independence,

:

01:11:11,835 --> 01:11:13,754

and it's a time of separation.

:

01:11:14,174 --> 01:11:15,494

So seeing them...

:

01:11:15,830 --> 01:11:19,540

Separating in the teen years and

not wanting to be with each other

:

01:11:19,880 --> 01:11:22,090

isn't necessarily a bad sign.

:

01:11:22,450 --> 01:11:25,290

Sometimes it's just development in there.

:

01:11:25,640 --> 01:11:30,539

Their peers outside of the family

become the relationship of choice.

:

01:11:31,040 --> 01:11:35,600

Because they're supposed to be becoming

independent and being their own person.

:

01:11:36,010 --> 01:11:40,030

So, allow them to save face

in there, that's the ultimate.

:

01:11:40,400 --> 01:11:45,930

Don't corner them and tackle them

so that they lose face in front of,

:

01:11:46,380 --> 01:11:48,300

um, their peers or their siblings.

:

01:11:48,715 --> 01:11:53,925

It's a big part of it, and then

allowing them that separation, you know,

:

01:11:53,945 --> 01:11:56,215

allowing them to be their own person.

:

01:11:56,475 --> 01:12:00,045

They will come back once they've

gone through that time, but

:

01:12:00,045 --> 01:12:01,614

you have to let it happen.

:

01:12:02,285 --> 01:12:03,105

Meanwhile...

:

01:12:04,150 --> 01:12:08,630

The, the stuff that builds relationships

is important, so have fun together.

:

01:12:08,970 --> 01:12:12,470

And this is where I think I drive

parents crazy, because they'll come

:

01:12:12,470 --> 01:12:15,610

to me and say, you know, this is

going wrong, and this isn't working

:

01:12:15,610 --> 01:12:17,400

well, and, and this isn't happening.

:

01:12:17,400 --> 01:12:19,000

How do we, how do we deal with this?

:

01:12:19,240 --> 01:12:20,800

And I say, what do you do for fun?

:

01:12:21,520 --> 01:12:23,960

And they look at me like I have

horns growing out of my head.

:

01:12:24,360 --> 01:12:24,970

Fun?

:

01:12:25,210 --> 01:12:26,870

I don't want to have fun with these guys.

:

01:12:26,880 --> 01:12:28,300

They're miserable to be with.

:

01:12:28,710 --> 01:12:32,720

Go out and figure out

ways to have fun together.

:

01:12:33,129 --> 01:12:36,599

And back to that comment

earlier, you know, sometimes

:

01:12:36,600 --> 01:12:38,890

their behaviour reflects...

:

01:12:39,325 --> 01:12:44,735

This need for separation and this

need for saving face, and they become

:

01:12:44,745 --> 01:12:50,365

people who aren't pleasant to be

around as they put these things into

:

01:12:50,365 --> 01:12:53,755

place so that the separation happens.

:

01:12:54,344 --> 01:12:55,275

Let it happen.

:

01:12:55,285 --> 01:12:56,505

Don't take it personally.

:

01:12:56,505 --> 01:12:58,345

We call it don't tipping your canoe.

:

01:12:58,684 --> 01:12:58,985

T.

:

01:12:58,985 --> 01:12:59,125

I.

:

01:12:59,125 --> 01:12:59,445

P.

:

01:12:59,445 --> 01:13:00,915

stands for take it personally.

:

01:13:01,165 --> 01:13:04,065

When we tip a canoe, everybody gets wet.

:

01:13:04,535 --> 01:13:05,665

So just take a breath.

:

01:13:06,155 --> 01:13:10,025

Step back and say, oh yeah,

they're at a time of independence.

:

01:13:10,025 --> 01:13:11,985

They need a little bit of space here.

:

01:13:12,355 --> 01:13:13,525

Give them some space.

:

01:13:14,265 --> 01:13:17,845

But do what you can to have

fun together because it's in

:

01:13:17,845 --> 01:13:19,404

those fun times when we're out.

:

01:13:19,405 --> 01:13:21,135

I mean, we're water people here.

:

01:13:21,135 --> 01:13:25,014

We've got a pool, uh, out front because

we never get, we never got away in

:

01:13:25,014 --> 01:13:26,544

the summertime on the farm, right?

:

01:13:27,765 --> 01:13:30,565

And now that we're older, we

still head for water everywhere.

:

01:13:31,575 --> 01:13:34,725

Having fun together is when

we build communication.

:

01:13:35,125 --> 01:13:40,175

Having fun together is when we learn to be

helpful with each other, to do our problem

:

01:13:40,184 --> 01:13:43,805

solving together, to build trust in there.

:

01:13:44,094 --> 01:13:48,724

All of that happens when we're enjoying

each other and having fun together.

:

01:13:49,065 --> 01:13:51,765

So really do your best

to have those times.

:

01:13:52,015 --> 01:13:54,905

And again, we're not talking about

going away for the whole day.

:

01:13:55,235 --> 01:13:59,055

If you can do something for an hour,

whether you're into board games, whether

:

01:13:59,055 --> 01:14:03,870

you're watching TV together, Whether you

like to cook or barbecue, whether, you

:

01:14:03,870 --> 01:14:07,970

know, like us, we're going to head out

and fish in the kayaks, um, that kind of

:

01:14:07,970 --> 01:14:11,330

stuff, do something that's fun together.

:

01:14:11,490 --> 01:14:16,460

We still read together with our kids

at bedtime, long, long, long after

:

01:14:16,460 --> 01:14:17,830

they could read for themselves.

:

01:14:18,230 --> 01:14:20,450

I would read a page,

they would read a page.

:

01:14:20,730 --> 01:14:24,680

It's just a time together to

keep that communication going.

:

01:14:25,070 --> 01:14:30,400

And again, going back to modeling that

gratitude and appreciation in our life.

:

01:14:31,105 --> 01:14:35,365

So that when they do become adults,

and I can remember, I guess, probably

:

01:14:35,365 --> 01:14:40,005

around the age of 23 or 24, and

now we know, of course, that that's

:

01:14:40,005 --> 01:14:45,855

when that brain really becomes fully

developed, is way up at those ages.

:

01:14:46,165 --> 01:14:49,675

And thinking, oh, that's what

my mom was talking about.

:

01:14:49,995 --> 01:14:51,505

That's what she meant by that.

:

01:14:51,855 --> 01:14:55,645

And having that lightbulb come

on, but not until I was that old.

:

01:14:56,305 --> 01:15:03,725

So, being able to Having been brought up

to show gratitude and appreciation, it

:

01:15:03,725 --> 01:15:08,395

didn't always kick in when it was needed,

but it kicked in in those mid twenties.

:

01:15:08,825 --> 01:15:14,094

And so then I became better friends

with my siblings at that point because

:

01:15:14,095 --> 01:15:19,135

I had that basis to go back to even if

I couldn't use it during the teen years.

:

01:15:20,515 --> 01:15:23,245

And I guess the last thing I

can think of in there is don't

:

01:15:23,245 --> 01:15:24,485

always try and be the hero.

:

01:15:25,180 --> 01:15:25,430

Right?

:

01:15:25,430 --> 01:15:28,940

Don't always try and be

the one that gets it done.

:

01:15:29,430 --> 01:15:31,410

Like Kate was saying,

you know, we're rescuers.

:

01:15:31,700 --> 01:15:32,900

We're in these professions.

:

01:15:32,900 --> 01:15:36,230

We're doing what we're doing today

because we want to be helpful and

:

01:15:36,230 --> 01:15:37,449

make the world a better place.

:

01:15:38,230 --> 01:15:44,340

But if you can step back from being the

hero and turn your, you know, your kids

:

01:15:44,820 --> 01:15:49,290

to their siblings and say, I can't help

you right now, but maybe so and so could

:

01:15:49,290 --> 01:15:54,270

help out and get them working together

so that their sibling then becomes...

:

01:15:54,730 --> 01:15:59,430

a help and a problem solver that

will come back to roost again in

:

01:15:59,430 --> 01:16:01,400

their adult years as well in there.

:

01:16:01,740 --> 01:16:08,460

So, teach them negotiation and delegation

at the age they're at no matter what age

:

01:16:08,490 --> 01:16:13,439

they're at because those are tools that

you also get to use with your siblings.

:

01:16:13,979 --> 01:16:18,780

Um, we had, we had a few teens come

and live with us at different times

:

01:16:19,160 --> 01:16:22,320

over the years that weren't able to

be at home for a variety of reasons.

:

01:16:23,100 --> 01:16:26,250

Um, we always had a chore

chart on the fridge.

:

01:16:26,670 --> 01:16:30,380

Today was Monday, it was your

responsibility to be washing dishes, your

:

01:16:30,380 --> 01:16:35,590

responsibility to be drying dishes, your

responsibility to sweep up after supper.

:

01:16:36,080 --> 01:16:40,949

Well, one of our teens hated doing dishes,

but that's non negotiable in our house.

:

01:16:41,270 --> 01:16:43,170

If you eat, you clean up.

:

01:16:43,600 --> 01:16:49,800

So she was a master negotiator, and she's

an adult, an amazing mom and adult today.

:

01:16:50,195 --> 01:16:55,515

But she negotiated with all the others

on her nights to wash, she would sweep

:

01:16:55,515 --> 01:16:59,025

up, she would clean the bathroom,

she didn't mind doing those things.

:

01:16:59,134 --> 01:17:01,684

I don't think she ever did a

dish while she was living here.

:

01:17:02,254 --> 01:17:03,055

But you know what?

:

01:17:03,105 --> 01:17:06,504

If you can do that, and that's

okay with the people you're

:

01:17:06,504 --> 01:17:08,865

negotiating with, go for it!

:

01:17:09,215 --> 01:17:10,555

I mean, why wouldn't you?

:

01:17:10,875 --> 01:17:12,715

So teach them negotiation.

:

01:17:13,355 --> 01:17:14,085

Let them...

:

01:17:14,420 --> 01:17:18,520

Learn to problem solve with their

siblings as they're growing up and

:

01:17:18,520 --> 01:17:22,520

that will again come to roost and I

think makes for a better Relationship

:

01:17:22,850 --> 01:17:27,559

as adults because they still get to

be their own person, but they do value

:

01:17:27,780 --> 01:17:33,929

what the other people were doing in

their lives as well Make sense hopefully

:

01:17:36,919 --> 01:17:44,365

Caite: So Jane speaking of things being

equal and equitable and fair and This

:

01:17:44,365 --> 01:17:50,855

whole thing, I think one of the things as

farm families we miss is that all these

:

01:17:50,875 --> 01:17:55,984

little things about things not being

fair and everyone being okay with it is

:

01:17:56,025 --> 01:18:02,014

when it comes to farm succession, whether

it's that the farm gets sold and split

:

01:18:02,124 --> 01:18:10,600

or, you know, one sibling takes it over

or however that goes, that That being

:

01:18:11,090 --> 01:18:14,770

fair seems to destroy so many families.

:

01:18:14,780 --> 01:18:22,510

And I mean, we currently have

a local family who, I think the

:

01:18:22,510 --> 01:18:26,390

issue was that the farmland was

sold for less than market value.

:

01:18:27,250 --> 01:18:33,740

And the sibling who feels shortchanged

has put a series of full sheets of plywood

:

01:18:33,750 --> 01:18:41,355

with increasingly Rage filled messages

in his front yard, which is in the

:

01:18:41,355 --> 01:18:44,015

middle of the family farm on the highway.

:

01:18:44,675 --> 01:18:49,905

And you know, this is how they're

working through this family issue.

:

01:18:51,065 --> 01:18:57,405

And so I'm, I'm, I'm realizing

that I don't, I mean I would like

:

01:18:57,405 --> 01:18:59,575

our kids to take over the farm.

:

01:19:00,055 --> 01:19:05,405

But my biggest goal is that they not hate

each other at the end of whatever happens.

:

01:19:06,210 --> 01:19:11,440

Um, and so I'm wondering how we can

build towards that without there

:

01:19:11,450 --> 01:19:15,860

being this pressure that they, you

know, get along at all times because

:

01:19:15,870 --> 01:19:19,490

mommy will be mad if we're ever upset

with each other, you know, I mean,

:

01:19:20,210 --> 01:19:23,920

I don't care if they're mad at each

other because that's what humans do.

:

01:19:23,959 --> 01:19:29,469

They get mad about stuff, but I

don't really want to spend eternity

:

01:19:29,469 --> 01:19:35,815

rolling over in my grave because my

family is writing Incredibly angry

:

01:19:35,815 --> 01:19:40,785

messages to each other on 8 foot by

8 foot signs in their front yard.

:

01:19:41,934 --> 01:19:46,705

You know, um, It's, I have pictures

Arlene, I'll send them to you.

:

01:19:46,954 --> 01:19:50,115

They're, yeah, it's a, it's a whole thing.

:

01:19:50,574 --> 01:19:54,523

Um, And I mean it's, it's a lot of money.

:

01:19:54,693 --> 01:19:57,104

That was getting split up, but still.

:

01:19:58,295 --> 01:20:02,535

Jane: Did we mention earlier on

that feelings dictate actions?

:

01:20:02,565 --> 01:20:03,995

Yeah, that person has some feelings.

:

01:20:04,155 --> 01:20:07,284

Here's that perfect example of it.

:

01:20:07,615 --> 01:20:09,845

Somebody's feelings are of some...

:

01:20:11,054 --> 01:20:16,205

Yeah, some feelings that

have not been acknowledged.

:

01:20:16,214 --> 01:20:20,124

not been dealt with, and their

actions are definitely showing

:

01:20:20,124 --> 01:20:21,565

what those feelings are.

:

01:20:22,195 --> 01:20:25,184

So, boy, you guys do

not take any questions.

:

01:20:27,720 --> 01:20:30,620

Caite: I think it's, it's one of those

things too in farms, you know, I have

:

01:20:30,620 --> 01:20:34,650

friends who've lost farms that they've

been running their whole lives because the

:

01:20:34,650 --> 01:20:37,100

grandparents decided to split it equally.

:

01:20:37,809 --> 01:20:41,549

And then there's, you know, I have

a friend who lost a farm because it

:

01:20:41,549 --> 01:20:44,939

got split 36 different ways, I think.

:

01:20:44,990 --> 01:20:48,350

And like 34 of those people

lived in California and saw

:

01:20:48,350 --> 01:20:51,070

a paycheck, which is fine.

:

01:20:51,270 --> 01:20:55,520

You know, that's, that's their business,

but there's no way that somebody is

:

01:20:55,540 --> 01:20:56,760

going to be able to buy that out.

:

01:20:57,440 --> 01:20:59,930

You know, there's, that's

never going to happen.

:

01:21:00,050 --> 01:21:06,920

And so, trying to be fair can destroy

it faster than anything, I think.

:

01:21:06,920 --> 01:21:07,609

Jane: Absolutely.

:

01:21:07,610 --> 01:21:08,490

Absolutely.

:

01:21:08,490 --> 01:21:10,549

And so how we raise our

kids for things to be...

:

01:21:13,400 --> 01:21:16,120

Um, yeah, he'd be equitable.

:

01:21:16,120 --> 01:21:16,370

Yeah.

:

01:21:16,370 --> 01:21:20,259

And there's a difference between being

equitable and being equal, right?

:

01:21:20,260 --> 01:21:23,500

And fairness somewhere in

there in the middle of all that

:

01:21:23,830 --> 01:21:25,400

we have to figure that out.

:

01:21:25,480 --> 01:21:29,220

And I think we've covered a

lot of it, um, in some ways.

:

01:21:29,230 --> 01:21:32,690

So let's, let's, this is a good

question to pull it all back together

:

01:21:33,040 --> 01:21:38,880

again, treating people uniquely,

not being drawn into, but she,

:

01:21:39,140 --> 01:21:41,059

but he, as they're growing up.

:

01:21:41,440 --> 01:21:45,830

So that they realize you deal with

the problem and the situation,

:

01:21:46,030 --> 01:21:47,860

not necessarily the person.

:

01:21:48,570 --> 01:21:54,240

And so again, you know, we mentioned

that farming life, one advantage that

:

01:21:54,240 --> 01:21:58,040

we do have is that farming life, if

you grow up on the farm, helping out

:

01:21:58,499 --> 01:22:00,890

teaches you life is not fair, right?

:

01:22:01,160 --> 01:22:03,850

Animals die, accidents happen.

:

01:22:04,130 --> 01:22:05,820

We don't control that weather.

:

01:22:06,020 --> 01:22:09,500

A lot of things are out of our

control and life isn't fair.

:

01:22:10,250 --> 01:22:13,970

The other piece, I think, um, and

you, you guys have mentioned it

:

01:22:14,010 --> 01:22:18,559

throughout this, I think, is that

relationships are never 50 50, right?

:

01:22:18,639 --> 01:22:23,920

Sometimes relationships are 90 10,

sometimes they're 30 70, they're

:

01:22:23,940 --> 01:22:26,430

always changing, always evolving.

:

01:22:27,050 --> 01:22:30,200

And that negotiation in

there is a part of that.

:

01:22:30,410 --> 01:22:34,320

When I can't manage this right

now, I'm gonna delegate, I'm

:

01:22:34,320 --> 01:22:37,640

gonna reach out for help, we're

gonna figure this out together.

:

01:22:37,940 --> 01:22:41,680

But right now, maybe I do 90

percent of what needs to be done.

:

01:22:41,950 --> 01:22:46,800

I have to say, you know, I, I write notes

about a lot of this stuff, just so that if

:

01:22:46,800 --> 01:22:49,180

I have to go back to them, they're there.

:

01:22:49,430 --> 01:22:50,650

And my husband, Wayne...

:

01:22:51,590 --> 01:22:54,970

As I'm sitting there last night

deciding to change everything I

:

01:22:54,980 --> 01:22:58,550

wanted to say, you know, and I said,

Oh, geez, it's almost nine o'clock.

:

01:22:58,559 --> 01:23:00,770

Can you go get the get

the animals in please?

:

01:23:01,139 --> 01:23:04,800

I know it's my job, but I just I need

to get this done and I need to get this

:

01:23:04,800 --> 01:23:08,280

finished, you know, and he heads out the

door and he does those things right even

:

01:23:08,280 --> 01:23:13,460

though they're, it was my job to do that

tonight as well as do supper tonight,

:

01:23:13,780 --> 01:23:16,230

just one of those days, you have to.

:

01:23:16,715 --> 01:23:21,095

Bring them up doing those things

so that they get used to that at

:

01:23:21,095 --> 01:23:23,315

a younger age if you can, right?

:

01:23:23,335 --> 01:23:27,615

And I think you guys both have done

that with your, with your kids that,

:

01:23:27,825 --> 01:23:32,964

you know, we listen, we hear what you're

saying, we show lots of empathy, and

:

01:23:32,965 --> 01:23:35,184

then we bring reality back to roost.

:

01:23:35,670 --> 01:23:38,220

Right now, this is just

what needs to happen.

:

01:23:38,480 --> 01:23:42,100

I'm sorry you're unhappy with

that, but right now, this is

:

01:23:42,100 --> 01:23:43,590

what needs to be happening.

:

01:23:44,020 --> 01:23:49,459

So, and again, you know, we teach them

negotiation and choosing with awareness.

:

01:23:49,720 --> 01:23:51,210

What is the outcome you want?

:

01:23:51,539 --> 01:23:53,519

What's the best way to do that?

:

01:23:53,830 --> 01:23:57,700

You know, and if it isn't fair

and you're still getting what you

:

01:23:57,700 --> 01:23:59,559

need out of this, is that okay?

:

01:24:00,290 --> 01:24:00,660

Right?

:

01:24:01,020 --> 01:24:06,050

So, We don't give into extortion or

bribery anywhere in there, right?

:

01:24:06,050 --> 01:24:09,300

We don't allow people to,

to hold that over others.

:

01:24:09,740 --> 01:24:14,890

But, you know, we can, we can

negotiate for what works in there.

:

01:24:14,900 --> 01:24:17,930

It's a, it's a big part of

our parenting life in there.

:

01:24:18,719 --> 01:24:22,600

But I guess underneath it all, I mean,

we always did the three R's, right?

:

01:24:22,940 --> 01:24:27,300

Respect for self, respect for others,

and respect for the world around you.

:

01:24:27,630 --> 01:24:29,480

Those were the rules that our household...

:

01:24:29,950 --> 01:24:33,520

Um, ran on partially because we're

that old and, you know, reduce,

:

01:24:33,520 --> 01:24:35,240

recycle, reuse kind of thing, right?

:

01:24:35,750 --> 01:24:43,510

But, we expected you to honour the spirit

of that, not the letter of the law.

:

01:24:43,849 --> 01:24:48,440

And I think sometimes we get caught

up so much in trying to make things

:

01:24:48,480 --> 01:24:52,860

equitable, trying to make things equal,

when, you know, when they're working

:

01:24:52,860 --> 01:24:55,830

together and all of that is happening.

:

01:24:57,020 --> 01:25:01,790

We need to sometimes put that

aside and say this is the outcome

:

01:25:01,790 --> 01:25:03,720

we want, how do we get there?

:

01:25:04,230 --> 01:25:06,010

And that's basic problem solving.

:

01:25:06,709 --> 01:25:11,068

So we teach kids, and that's one of the

reasons why we want them to do a lot of

:

01:25:11,070 --> 01:25:15,679

their own problem solving, with the little

things that are going on in their life

:

01:25:15,679 --> 01:25:18,180

right now, so that they get those skills.

:

01:25:18,809 --> 01:25:24,350

And being able to step back and take a

breath and just relax and realize that

:

01:25:24,369 --> 01:25:29,375

tomorrow is a new day, is And that what

happens here right now is going to be

:

01:25:29,375 --> 01:25:31,715

okay no matter how we decide to do it.

:

01:25:32,035 --> 01:25:35,193

That's a big part of growing up

and figuring things out there.

:

01:25:35,904 --> 01:25:41,135

So again, we're raising those kids with a

backbone that can bend and twist, rather

:

01:25:41,135 --> 01:25:45,515

than being that brick wall, rather than

being that jellyfish that gets walked on.

:

01:25:45,955 --> 01:25:52,565

But also realizing that you need to

look at what it is you want and, and,

:

01:25:53,650 --> 01:25:59,050

Work in a world towards that rather

than always making things fair.

:

01:26:00,090 --> 01:26:01,160

Does that make sense?

:

01:26:03,390 --> 01:26:07,010

I mean, that's, that's not an easy

question to happen because first of

:

01:26:07,010 --> 01:26:11,780

all, I think the love of the farm

and the love of the land and the ties

:

01:26:11,780 --> 01:26:17,070

to the land and the lifestyle are

so deeply ingrained in most of us.

:

01:26:17,360 --> 01:26:18,480

And I'm a transplant.

:

01:26:18,910 --> 01:26:19,270

Right?

:

01:26:19,500 --> 01:26:22,570

I came into this, you

know, in my early 20s.

:

01:26:22,840 --> 01:26:24,650

Now, I was a military family.

:

01:26:24,870 --> 01:26:27,550

We, we didn't have any place to call home.

:

01:26:28,000 --> 01:26:31,780

We picked up kids as we went through the

different provinces, adopted them in.

:

01:26:32,260 --> 01:26:33,950

We didn't have those ties.

:

01:26:34,260 --> 01:26:36,650

But I've been here 40, over 40 years now.

:

01:26:36,650 --> 01:26:40,700

We just celebrated our 40th

wedding anniversary this month.

:

01:26:40,900 --> 01:26:47,140

Um, the ties to the land are in there

and they're entwined in my soul.

:

01:26:47,785 --> 01:26:52,885

So again, going back to acknowledging

those feelings, but looking at

:

01:26:53,345 --> 01:26:55,625

what is the end result you want?

:

01:26:55,964 --> 01:26:57,745

Do you want the farm to go on?

:

01:26:57,765 --> 01:27:02,165

Do you want, you know, do you

want these things to happen?

:

01:27:02,165 --> 01:27:05,384

Well then, what do we have

to put in place to do that?

:

01:27:05,943 --> 01:27:08,044

Um, kids have stress too.

:

01:27:08,074 --> 01:27:11,705

There's a game like that called

the What If Game, that you, starts

:

01:27:11,705 --> 01:27:14,805

off with kids as young as, well

as soon as they can talk, really.

:

01:27:15,475 --> 01:27:16,684

So about three or four.

:

01:27:17,225 --> 01:27:19,165

So, are you guys up for a very quick game?

:

01:27:21,545 --> 01:27:22,135

If we play it?

:

01:27:22,385 --> 01:27:24,125

Okay, so Arlene, we're going to the zoo.

:

01:27:24,155 --> 01:27:27,485

This may be the wrong game with you

two because I tell you, you're going

:

01:27:27,485 --> 01:27:30,995

to come up with the weirdest things in

this and I'm going to be fighting to

:

01:27:31,014 --> 01:27:35,055

figure out what one's supposed to answer

to this, but if we go to the zoo and

:

01:27:35,115 --> 01:27:37,775

you can bring home anything you want,

Arlene, what do you want to bring home?

:

01:27:44,815 --> 01:27:49,105

I have never had a red panda before and

I've been doing this for over 30 years.

:

01:27:49,135 --> 01:27:53,125

Okay, if we bring a red panda home,

Kate, we gotta feed this thing.

:

01:27:53,125 --> 01:27:54,273

What does a panda eat?

:

01:27:58,475 --> 01:28:01,395

I don't think red pandas eat bamboo.

:

01:28:01,395 --> 01:28:02,885

I feel like maybe they're...

:

01:28:03,784 --> 01:28:04,094

Omnivores?

:

01:28:05,690 --> 01:28:08,530

See, nobody else would think that.

:

01:28:08,530 --> 01:28:13,660

I say this is Arlene's problem, and she

better get her ass googling and find out.

:

01:28:13,889 --> 01:28:17,360

Because she's the one who wanted

to bring the damn hand home.

:

01:28:19,110 --> 01:28:22,970

Okay, so anyway, Arlene's going to tell

us what red pandas eat, do you know?

:

01:28:26,530 --> 01:28:28,330

Okay, so we're going to

pretend that they eat...

:

01:28:29,470 --> 01:28:30,160

Yeah, they are.

:

01:28:30,250 --> 01:28:31,570

So they eat small children.

:

01:28:31,809 --> 01:28:33,730

, where are we going to

get small children from?

:

01:28:33,940 --> 01:28:36,430

You know, we're gonna, we're

gonna steal them off the street.

:

01:28:36,880 --> 01:28:41,890

If it's basically if we feed

them, then if we feed them, poop's

:

01:28:41,895 --> 01:28:43,240

going to come out the back end.

:

01:28:43,420 --> 01:28:44,800

Who's going to clean up the poop?

:

01:28:44,805 --> 01:28:45,130

Kate

:

01:28:48,690 --> 01:28:50,309

Arlene, because it was her panda.

:

01:28:50,970 --> 01:28:54,270

Alright, see also the Smithsonian.

:

01:28:56,530 --> 01:29:02,340

Smithsonian Zoo says that red pandas are

obligate bamboo eaters, but they also eat

:

01:29:02,340 --> 01:29:05,960

roots, succulent grasses, fruits, insects,

and grubs, and are known to occasionally

:

01:29:05,960 --> 01:29:08,590

kill and eat birds and small mammals.

:

01:29:08,630 --> 01:29:11,889

So, small children might be on that list.

:

01:29:12,660 --> 01:29:13,780

Yes, there you go.

:

01:29:13,930 --> 01:29:17,010

Okay, so then we ask the kids, you

know, where do we get this from?

:

01:29:17,010 --> 01:29:18,600

Where are we going to get bamboo from?

:

01:29:18,600 --> 01:29:20,210

Not easily found around here.

:

01:29:20,500 --> 01:29:22,359

And if we feed them, poop comes out.

:

01:29:22,360 --> 01:29:23,469

Who's going to clean up the poop?

:

01:29:23,739 --> 01:29:25,720

It's about teaching forward thinking.

:

01:29:26,059 --> 01:29:30,760

If we want this to happen, what do

we have to put in place to make sure

:

01:29:30,760 --> 01:29:33,670

we're ready for that and so that

we're going in the right direction?

:

01:29:34,000 --> 01:29:37,580

And once they can play it as a

game, Then we use it for real life.

:

01:29:37,880 --> 01:29:40,900

So normally when I teach this,

we talk about swimming lessons.

:

01:29:41,250 --> 01:29:42,530

We're heading to the pool.

:

01:29:42,840 --> 01:29:45,360

Um, when we get to the pool,

are you going to go into the

:

01:29:45,360 --> 01:29:47,210

change room with mom or with dad?

:

01:29:47,539 --> 01:29:50,120

When we get in there, you're going

to hang up your clothes on the hooks.

:

01:29:50,150 --> 01:29:52,159

You're going to put them in the locker.

:

01:29:52,280 --> 01:29:53,249

Then what do we do?

:

01:29:53,489 --> 01:29:55,939

And you let the kids

come up with the answers.

:

01:29:56,300 --> 01:30:01,160

And depending on what their answer is,

we look at the problems around that.

:

01:30:01,230 --> 01:30:04,990

If we head right into the pool,

The lifeguard's gonna holler at

:

01:30:04,990 --> 01:30:07,930

us and say, Hey you guys, you

don't get to go swimming yet.

:

01:30:08,300 --> 01:30:09,920

You gotta go back and have a shower.

:

01:30:10,100 --> 01:30:12,340

So Arlene, hot shower or cold shower?

:

01:30:15,850 --> 01:30:17,929

Hot shower, good, cause

I hate cold showers.

:

01:30:18,210 --> 01:30:19,780

And then what do we do next, Kate?

:

01:30:20,148 --> 01:30:21,180

After our shower?

:

01:30:24,939 --> 01:30:26,190

Walk to the pool?

:

01:30:27,200 --> 01:30:30,140

I assume we have our bathing

suits on before the shower, right?

:

01:30:30,510 --> 01:30:34,870

Exactly, because we got changed,

so we headed into there and the

:

01:30:34,910 --> 01:30:37,950

lifeguard hollered at us again, Hey,

you guys can't go in the pool yet.

:

01:30:38,240 --> 01:30:42,299

You gotta go over and sit on the

bleachers and wait for your instructor.

:

01:30:42,610 --> 01:30:45,580

So do we want to sit on the top

bleacher or the low bleacher?

:

01:30:47,929 --> 01:30:50,240

I forgot we were at lessons

and not at open swim.

:

01:30:50,350 --> 01:30:51,100

Bottom bleacher.

:

01:30:51,940 --> 01:30:57,130

Okay, so it's basically just helping

the child go through step by step so

:

01:30:57,130 --> 01:31:01,898

that they've figured out what's coming

next, what problems we might come up

:

01:31:01,900 --> 01:31:04,409

against and how do we solve that problem.

:

01:31:04,820 --> 01:31:08,519

So even kids as young as three

and four and five can play the

:

01:31:08,520 --> 01:31:12,850

what if game and then we do it,

it's, it's basically teaching us

:

01:31:12,860 --> 01:31:14,350

so that when we get to be adults.

:

01:31:14,980 --> 01:31:18,800

We can do forward thinking and

say if we want this to happen,

:

01:31:18,800 --> 01:31:22,340

if this is the outcome we want,

what do we have to put in place?

:

01:31:22,630 --> 01:31:24,780

What are the obstacles that might come up?

:

01:31:25,020 --> 01:31:27,029

How are we going to deal

with those obstacles?

:

01:31:27,470 --> 01:31:30,620

And it, it lessens some of the

stress because we've been through

:

01:31:30,620 --> 01:31:32,660

the situation in our brain.

:

01:31:33,100 --> 01:31:36,520

And so when we come to actually

doing it, we have some ideas

:

01:31:36,520 --> 01:31:38,170

on the paths that we can take.

:

01:31:38,550 --> 01:31:42,390

So, problem solving is one of those

things that we can be teaching now

:

01:31:42,390 --> 01:31:46,340

with our kids all the way through,

so they get better at it as adults.

:

01:31:46,340 --> 01:31:51,930

And hopefully, that will come and be

helpful when we get into situations that

:

01:31:51,970 --> 01:31:57,050

aren't going to be fair, but that we want

a certain outcome, how do we do that?

:

01:31:57,570 --> 01:32:00,320

So that's the beginning of

problem solving for young kids.

:

01:32:02,255 --> 01:32:10,575

So, Jane, since this is a very, uh,

useful skill, I think, especially where

:

01:32:10,575 --> 01:32:16,434

our kids are at right now, do we say

our kids are running late every morning?

:

01:32:16,775 --> 01:32:21,075

Do we start at the problem and work

backwards for what needs to happen

:

01:32:21,075 --> 01:32:22,445

to get us out the door on time?

:

01:32:25,370 --> 01:32:26,900

Which way do we play this?

:

01:32:27,000 --> 01:32:28,840

Which direction do we play this game?

:

01:32:28,990 --> 01:32:33,839

Make sure they know how to play the game

and do that in a fun way first, right?

:

01:32:33,840 --> 01:32:37,940

So that they know how this works and

they get used to that so that they've got

:

01:32:37,940 --> 01:32:40,389

that, that muscle memory built in there.

:

01:32:40,620 --> 01:32:43,650

Or that, uh, the, the solving

memory built in there.

:

01:32:43,910 --> 01:32:47,360

And then you go back to saying, Hey

guys, let's play the what if game about

:

01:32:47,370 --> 01:32:48,770

getting out of the house in the morning.

:

01:32:49,030 --> 01:32:51,240

Because that seems to

be a challenge for us.

:

01:32:51,260 --> 01:32:55,239

So let's start when, you know, because

we, we have to be out by this time.

:

01:32:55,549 --> 01:32:58,640

And then you go back and start,

okay, so when we get up, what's

:

01:32:58,640 --> 01:32:59,809

the first thing we got to do?

:

01:32:59,870 --> 01:33:02,710

And then take them

through that step by step.

:

01:33:02,980 --> 01:33:05,130

And it involves them, it

does a couple of things.

:

01:33:05,445 --> 01:33:08,745

It gives you an idea of what's

going to happen, right, so that

:

01:33:08,745 --> 01:33:10,635

they know what the expectations are.

:

01:33:10,915 --> 01:33:13,425

But it also gets them engaged.

:

01:33:13,635 --> 01:33:17,755

So you've hooked them in, and they're

now part of solving the problem.

:

01:33:22,065 --> 01:33:23,955

That buy in is really important.

:

01:33:25,875 --> 01:33:25,895

So,

:

01:33:32,585 --> 01:33:35,545

we ask, so we're like

at our last question.

:

01:33:37,510 --> 01:33:40,390

We ask all of our guests, if you

were going to dominate a category at

:

01:33:40,390 --> 01:33:41,809

the county fair, what would it be?

:

01:33:43,150 --> 01:33:44,349

I love this question.

:

01:33:44,350 --> 01:33:46,090

It is so out of the box.

:

01:33:47,159 --> 01:33:53,030

So, um, because I knew this was coming,

I put way too much thought into this.

:

01:33:53,330 --> 01:33:57,990

So I started thinking, they need

to have a category that is called

:

01:33:58,180 --> 01:34:00,570

mental bailer twine and duct tape.

:

01:34:01,375 --> 01:34:06,455

So that it's basically a challenge to

get the job done, whatever they ask you

:

01:34:06,455 --> 01:34:11,584

to do, with whatever is around, without

having the appropriate stuff to do it.

:

01:34:12,214 --> 01:34:14,815

And then I thought, well, no, no,

that's too heady, that's, that's

:

01:34:14,874 --> 01:34:17,775

way too, way too complicated.

:

01:34:18,690 --> 01:34:22,309

So then I went to a game

that we actually play here.

:

01:34:22,760 --> 01:34:24,550

And, cause I love our local fairs.

:

01:34:25,040 --> 01:34:27,150

We have a game called the Stump Game.

:

01:34:27,150 --> 01:34:29,460

And I, I encourage you guys to try this.

:

01:34:29,809 --> 01:34:31,780

It doesn't matter what age you are.

:

01:34:33,110 --> 01:34:34,769

It levels the playing field.

:

01:34:35,429 --> 01:34:39,880

You take two stumps and you place them,

I don't know, about ten yards apart.

:

01:34:41,320 --> 01:34:43,600

And you take a very, very long rope.

:

01:34:45,050 --> 01:34:47,040

Each one of you stands on a stump.

:

01:34:48,085 --> 01:34:51,325

And with both feet so that

you're a little unstable and you

:

01:34:51,325 --> 01:34:53,325

hold the very end of the rope.

:

01:34:53,895 --> 01:34:58,885

When somebody says go, you start

scooping the rope up hand over hand

:

01:34:59,934 --> 01:35:01,555

and pulling it till it's tight.

:

01:35:02,105 --> 01:35:08,855

Once the rope is taut between you, your

job is to unstump the other person.

:

01:35:09,995 --> 01:35:13,735

So you would think it's

about power and strength.

:

01:35:14,145 --> 01:35:16,485

It has nothing to do

with power and strength.

:

01:35:16,875 --> 01:35:18,625

It's all strategy.

:

01:35:19,155 --> 01:35:22,934

You can hold it tight, and then as

the other person pulls, because you've

:

01:35:22,934 --> 01:35:26,205

got lots of rope behind you, you can

let it slide through your hands, and

:

01:35:26,205 --> 01:35:28,625

as they pull hard, off they topple.

:

01:35:29,014 --> 01:35:32,434

It becomes quite the game, and

so you can have kids that are

:

01:35:34,085 --> 01:35:37,514

5, 6, and 7, uh, unstumping.

:

01:35:38,370 --> 01:35:40,710

their adult counterparts on the other log.

:

01:35:41,059 --> 01:35:42,719

It's an absolute blast.

:

01:35:43,070 --> 01:35:45,309

And I think, so this is when we play here.

:

01:35:45,520 --> 01:35:49,570

We were privileged to have a whole

bunch of students from the University

:

01:35:49,570 --> 01:35:54,240

of Costa Rica um, come up and stay

with us for a while here in Canada.

:

01:35:54,530 --> 01:35:59,655

They came out to the farm for a unique

Canadian Um, camping experience where

:

01:35:59,655 --> 01:36:03,615

they camped outside in the backfields

and helped around the farm for a

:

01:36:03,615 --> 01:36:09,014

while and we played this game and

had an absolute blast, but I think

:

01:36:09,135 --> 01:36:11,193

for me, it comes down to the fact.

:

01:36:11,225 --> 01:36:14,664

I would be awesome at this

because I read people.

:

01:36:14,924 --> 01:36:16,605

This is what I do for a living, right?

:

01:36:16,805 --> 01:36:19,085

So you can tell what the

other person is going to do.

:

01:36:19,355 --> 01:36:23,215

And I think farming enters into that

because we're constantly trying to

:

01:36:23,215 --> 01:36:25,085

figure out what that cow is going to do.

:

01:36:25,085 --> 01:36:25,154

Right.

:

01:36:25,485 --> 01:36:29,205

What that horse is going to do,

how to get that last damn chicken

:

01:36:29,205 --> 01:36:31,005

into the chicken coop, right?

:

01:36:31,245 --> 01:36:35,695

So we're constantly reading what they're

going to do and how they're going to act

:

01:36:35,964 --> 01:36:38,344

and having strategies for doing that.

:

01:36:38,374 --> 01:36:41,193

So I think they should have

that at every campfire.

:

01:36:41,264 --> 01:36:44,165

So then you, you know, end up

with a championship at the end.

:

01:36:50,115 --> 01:36:51,585

All right, I guess we'll move into our...

:

01:36:51,855 --> 01:36:53,344

Absolutely, absolutely.

:

01:36:54,405 --> 01:36:54,785

Yeah.

:

01:36:54,785 --> 01:36:55,025

Yeah.

:

01:36:55,025 --> 01:36:55,495

That's right.

:

01:36:55,975 --> 01:36:56,215

Yeah.

:

01:36:56,215 --> 01:36:56,625

There's not.

:

01:36:56,625 --> 01:37:00,254

I love that a seven year old where you

can have different people of different

:

01:37:00,255 --> 01:37:01,825

ages all competing in the same thing.

:

01:37:02,965 --> 01:37:05,645

So we will go ahead into our

cussing and discussing segment.

:

01:37:05,975 --> 01:37:11,175

We have our online platform where you can

leave your cussing and discussing audio

:

01:37:11,205 --> 01:37:14,554

messages for us and we'll play them on the

show or you can always send us an email.

:

01:37:14,834 --> 01:37:17,434

Check the show notes for

the links to both of those.

:

01:37:18,004 --> 01:37:21,484

Katie, what are we cussing and

discussing this week from Iowa?

:

01:37:30,465 --> 01:37:31,425

Caite: insects.

:

01:37:31,934 --> 01:37:33,315

I know they're important.

:

01:37:33,555 --> 01:37:35,115

I know they're beneficial.

:

01:37:37,035 --> 01:37:38,235

There are.

:

01:37:38,895 --> 01:37:45,344

It's may, it's not even peak bugs season

yet, and I've done everything I can

:

01:37:45,344 --> 01:37:50,684

with, you know, encouraging bats and

making sure our screens are tight and.

:

01:37:52,090 --> 01:37:58,420

The gnats, the flies,

inside, outside, everywhere.

:

01:37:58,440 --> 01:38:03,180

I hung a, one of those fly traps that

has like the dehydrated fish guts

:

01:38:03,180 --> 01:38:08,309

or whatever in it the other day, in

the flower bed in front of my house

:

01:38:08,309 --> 01:38:15,570

because for whatever reason, the

peonies are an absolute fly magnet.

:

01:38:15,730 --> 01:38:17,139

And there was literally...

:

01:38:17,950 --> 01:38:22,190

An inch of flies within

a few hours in this trap.

:

01:38:23,660 --> 01:38:28,760

I have bug catcher light

things in the house.

:

01:38:28,790 --> 01:38:29,790

I have fly tapes.

:

01:38:29,809 --> 01:38:34,420

I have like every insect

killer known to humankind.

:

01:38:35,764 --> 01:38:39,905

And then yesterday, I opened the

dishwasher, which is full of clean dishes,

:

01:38:40,035 --> 01:38:42,485

and my dishwasher is full of sugar ants.

:

01:38:42,505 --> 01:38:44,035

Those little teeny tiny ones?

:

01:38:45,045 --> 01:38:47,525

I Too far!

:

01:38:48,154 --> 01:38:51,584

And, one of my children

brought home lice from school.

:

01:38:51,924 --> 01:38:52,704

So like,

:

01:38:55,795 --> 01:38:56,594

I just I'm done.

:

01:38:56,875 --> 01:38:58,085

No more bugs.

:

01:38:58,365 --> 01:39:00,025

I don't care if they're beneficial.

:

01:39:00,490 --> 01:39:03,750

I don't like them, and I don't

want them in my house, and I don't

:

01:39:03,750 --> 01:39:06,660

want them around my house, and I

don't want them anywhere near me.

:

01:39:07,410 --> 01:39:07,670

I...

:

01:39:08,420 --> 01:39:09,210

No!

:

01:39:10,500 --> 01:39:11,940

Definitely not in my clean dishes.

:

01:39:13,309 --> 01:39:13,398

Ugh.

:

01:39:14,670 --> 01:39:15,180

Anyway.

:

01:39:15,710 --> 01:39:17,789

Jane, what do you have to

cuss and disgust today?

:

01:39:19,020 --> 01:39:20,898

Jane: I'm with you on

the bugs, first of all.

:

01:39:21,010 --> 01:39:24,520

I just think, yeah, they are

just horrendous this year.

:

01:39:24,690 --> 01:39:27,440

Although the dragonflies have

just come out up here, so

:

01:39:27,840 --> 01:39:28,990

there is hope in the world.

:

01:39:30,660 --> 01:39:35,570

I, I think for me, um, Arlene

mentioned we, uh, became

:

01:39:35,570 --> 01:39:37,650

grandparents a year and a half ago.

:

01:39:38,870 --> 01:39:42,389

And for me, I think

it's about getting old.

:

01:39:42,639 --> 01:39:48,610

You know, we're, I'm now in that

generation of where you better do what

:

01:39:48,610 --> 01:39:50,469

you want to do and you better do it now.

:

01:39:51,370 --> 01:39:52,969

So live life with intention.

:

01:39:53,400 --> 01:39:54,460

Get out there.

:

01:39:54,559 --> 01:39:56,120

Um, bugs are no bugs.

:

01:39:56,150 --> 01:39:57,410

Wear your bug jackets.

:

01:40:00,295 --> 01:40:01,355

Take those trips.

:

01:40:01,725 --> 01:40:03,785

Go and visit those

people you want to visit.

:

01:40:04,205 --> 01:40:08,055

Eat what you want to eat, because

tomorrow is not guaranteed.

:

01:40:08,934 --> 01:40:15,004

And as much as we just reached the

retirement age around here, we're

:

01:40:15,005 --> 01:40:19,825

finding that we don't have the energy,

we don't have, um, the resources,

:

01:40:20,325 --> 01:40:25,804

um, and the physical ability to

do some of the things that we were

:

01:40:25,805 --> 01:40:27,305

hoping to do in our retirement.

:

01:40:27,835 --> 01:40:28,574

So don't wait for it.

:

01:40:28,995 --> 01:40:30,014

Go and do it now.

:

01:40:30,475 --> 01:40:31,285

Don't get old.

:

01:40:31,344 --> 01:40:31,945

It's a trap.

:

01:40:31,965 --> 01:40:33,995

Yeah, do what you want

to do and do it now.

:

01:40:34,065 --> 01:40:40,264

It's a good one I know that Katie and I

are both in Multi generational family farm

:

01:40:40,264 --> 01:40:43,785

situations and I know that in my case.

:

01:40:43,785 --> 01:40:48,085

I'm definitely Seeing those situations

in the the generations ahead of us.

:

01:40:48,115 --> 01:40:53,565

So I hope that I will Keep that in mind

Especially going into summer right make

:

01:40:53,565 --> 01:40:58,085

the time to go to the beach or do you take

take the family trip even if it's only two

:

01:41:04,725 --> 01:41:05,105

Yeah.

:

01:41:07,255 --> 01:41:07,945

Exactly.

:

01:41:07,955 --> 01:41:08,575

And you guys got together.

:

01:41:08,575 --> 01:41:09,434

I think that's...

:

01:41:14,255 --> 01:41:16,025

Yeah, it is definitely...

:

01:41:16,954 --> 01:41:17,815

You know, it's...

:

01:41:18,105 --> 01:41:22,514

Even this weekend we had two parties,

despite the fact that we had hay down.

:

01:41:22,514 --> 01:41:23,744

And the hay got done.

:

01:41:23,995 --> 01:41:24,534

It always gets done.

:

01:41:26,715 --> 01:41:30,445

Um, but I think especially with

farming, remembering that...

:

01:41:31,240 --> 01:41:33,270

The work will never be done.

:

01:41:33,370 --> 01:41:34,650

I mean, the hay got done.

:

01:41:34,969 --> 01:41:36,230

There's still feed to grind.

:

01:41:36,600 --> 01:41:39,630

There's still 58 million

other things to do.

:

01:41:40,290 --> 01:41:41,889

The kids aren't getting any younger.

:

01:41:41,990 --> 01:41:43,570

We're not getting any younger.

:

01:41:45,429 --> 01:41:48,120

You still have to just

make the time to do it.

:

01:41:48,190 --> 01:41:50,150

And I know it's easier said than done.

:

01:41:50,150 --> 01:41:51,559

I absolutely know that.

:

01:41:51,730 --> 01:41:57,080

But, it's, there's never going to be a

magic day that everything is finished.

:

01:41:57,160 --> 01:42:00,090

So, you might as well just figure it out.

:

01:42:01,160 --> 01:42:01,910

Oh, thanks.

:

01:42:02,059 --> 01:42:02,280

Yeah.

:

01:42:02,330 --> 01:42:05,059

Anyway, Arlene, what do you

have to custom discuss today?

:

01:42:05,350 --> 01:42:06,360

And I like your shirt, by the way.

:

01:42:06,540 --> 01:42:07,570

This is very snazzy.

:

01:42:08,510 --> 01:42:08,920

Real.

:

01:42:09,539 --> 01:42:09,680

I like it.

:

01:42:12,230 --> 01:42:12,919

There you go.

:

01:42:12,920 --> 01:42:13,260

Yeah.

:

01:42:13,260 --> 01:42:14,469

Take my word for it, listeners.

:

01:42:14,469 --> 01:42:15,660

Arlene looks really nice.

:

01:42:15,739 --> 01:42:18,690

You can, uh, sign up for her Patreon and

then you can see what she looks like.

:

01:42:18,690 --> 01:42:20,559

I was thinking about it as

we were recording because I

:

01:42:20,559 --> 01:42:21,840

didn't plan anything ahead.

:

01:42:22,280 --> 01:42:27,750

Um, but mine is one of those

good news, bad news scenarios.

:

01:42:28,460 --> 01:42:28,969

So...

:

01:42:29,680 --> 01:42:35,580

It's the stage I'm in where I've got,

like most listeners know, if you've

:

01:42:35,580 --> 01:42:38,080

been listening for a while, I've got a

daughter and then I've got three sons.

:

01:42:38,129 --> 01:42:43,059

And so our three boys

right now are 15, 12 and 8.

:

01:42:43,059 --> 01:42:47,318

And a lot of the time they

actually play quite well together.

:

01:42:47,450 --> 01:42:51,520

Some of the, a lot of that time is

playing video games, but they enjoy

:

01:42:51,550 --> 01:42:54,570

doing it together and with a range

of ages it's fun that they can have

:

01:42:54,570 --> 01:42:56,059

something that they enjoy doing together.

:

01:42:56,764 --> 01:43:01,725

But there are moments now where

I'm realizing that I am getting

:

01:43:01,745 --> 01:43:03,005

the one getting left out.

:

01:43:03,285 --> 01:43:07,144

So that scenario that Katie was talking

about, and Jane was talking to us about,

:

01:43:07,145 --> 01:43:14,370

about reflecting on, you know, the

positives, and also reminding myself that

:

01:43:14,370 --> 01:43:17,980

I want these kids to build relationships

with each other is a good thing.

:

01:43:18,410 --> 01:43:22,259

So I have to remember that them

hanging out together and excluding me

:

01:43:22,270 --> 01:43:28,880

is actually a positive, even though

sometimes it's like, hey, I'm still cool.

:

01:43:29,309 --> 01:43:32,059

I know I'm no good at that game, and

you're all going to beat me in the first

:

01:43:32,059 --> 01:43:33,770

round, but maybe I could play or...

:

01:43:34,775 --> 01:43:38,055

I could just go read my

book and enjoy my time.

:

01:43:38,075 --> 01:43:40,745

So I know that this is not a stage

that all of our listeners are at.

:

01:43:40,825 --> 01:43:43,855

If your kids are still attached

to you at all times, I get that

:

01:43:43,855 --> 01:43:45,035

and I was definitely there.

:

01:43:45,475 --> 01:43:48,634

But there will come a day where

you're not cool anymore and they

:

01:43:48,634 --> 01:43:49,715

don't want to play with you.

:

01:43:49,745 --> 01:43:52,045

So good news, bad news.

:

01:43:59,880 --> 01:44:02,639

Caite: Arlene, I was thinking about

that while we were talking today too,

:

01:44:02,670 --> 01:44:06,059

that, you know, right now if I do

something weird, my kid thinks it's

:

01:44:06,059 --> 01:44:08,070

hilarious and they think it's great.

:

01:44:08,860 --> 01:44:13,090

And I know the day is coming

soon that they will be horrified

:

01:44:13,200 --> 01:44:14,648

to be associated with me.

:

01:44:16,960 --> 01:44:17,889

And that's fine.

:

01:44:18,360 --> 01:44:20,699

Lots of people have been horrified to

be associated with me through the years.

:

01:44:20,700 --> 01:44:24,520

Thank you, Jane, for the separation

is natural and necessary.

:

01:44:24,520 --> 01:44:26,789

That was something I needed

to hear today as well.

:

01:44:26,830 --> 01:44:30,930

So, that was, uh, my little

lesson among all the lessons.

:

01:44:31,429 --> 01:44:34,049

So, thank you, Jane, for joining us again.

:

01:44:34,059 --> 01:44:37,000

It was amazing to chat with you

again and get your insights.

:

01:44:37,070 --> 01:44:41,510

And, um, if listeners want to connect

with you, do you have somewhere

:

01:44:41,510 --> 01:44:42,839

where they could get in touch?

:

01:44:52,030 --> 01:44:56,630

Jane: Um, yeah, we, uh, you can get

us on the internet, our website, uh,

:

01:44:56,660 --> 01:45:04,210

for, uh, Crow and the Early On Child

and Family Centre is, uh, crowlanark.

:

01:45:04,259 --> 01:45:08,850

com, and so you can find us there, or

if you want to talk to me directly,

:

01:45:09,170 --> 01:45:11,460

I have a Facebook page that is...

:

01:45:11,920 --> 01:45:15,410

Crow Parent Education, and

you can message me there.

:

01:45:15,880 --> 01:45:19,889

And if you just want some tips on

parenting, some tips on mental health,

:

01:45:20,100 --> 01:45:24,320

and even tips, things to do with your

kids, we actually have a YouTube channel.

:

01:45:24,809 --> 01:45:30,849

So our YouTube channel is what Crow stands

for, Children's Resources on Wheels.

:

01:45:31,170 --> 01:45:34,450

And they're just short little

videos, 5 minutes, maybe 10 minutes.

:

01:45:34,889 --> 01:45:37,980

And, uh, you can catch us on there.

:

01:45:38,120 --> 01:45:39,510

That's available.

:

01:45:39,740 --> 01:45:40,639

Just go to...

:

01:45:41,050 --> 01:45:45,570

Children's resources on wheels, hit

videos, and there's lots to choose from.

:

01:45:45,840 --> 01:45:50,599

Any with my smiling face are always

about, uh, behaviour and about parenting.

:

01:45:50,820 --> 01:45:54,580

When you see the other facilitators

on there, there's everything from

:

01:45:54,580 --> 01:45:59,710

literacy and play doh and math, all

sorts of things to just check in about.

:

01:46:07,170 --> 01:46:08,559

Thanks for joining us again, Jane.

:

01:46:09,690 --> 01:46:10,840

Thanks for having us on.

:

01:46:11,090 --> 01:46:15,549

I just have to say going back through

all your different broadcasts, you have

:

01:46:15,550 --> 01:46:18,620

had an amazing array of people on here.

:

01:46:18,939 --> 01:46:25,240

Boy, have you ever had just, you

cover everything and it's funny.

:

01:46:25,589 --> 01:46:28,990

So much of it is great information

and you guys are hilarious.

:

01:46:29,300 --> 01:46:30,020

Just gotta say.

:

01:46:31,850 --> 01:46:32,400

Well, thanks.

:

01:46:35,850 --> 01:46:38,020

Thank you for joining

us on Barnyard Language.

:

01:46:38,030 --> 01:46:41,490

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:

01:46:42,090 --> 01:46:43,630

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:

01:46:43,680 --> 01:46:44,460

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:

01:46:44,489 --> 01:46:48,200

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:

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:

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:

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:

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:

01:47:06,978 --> 01:47:09,590

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:

01:47:09,620 --> 01:47:12,680

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:

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About the Podcast

Barnyard Language
Real talk about running farms and raising families.
Real talk about running farms and raising families. Whether your farm is a raised bed in your backyard or 10,000 acres and whether your family is in the planning stages or you've got 12 kids, we're glad you found us!

No sales, no religious conversion, no drama. Just honest talk from two mamas who know what it's like when everyone is telling you to just get all your meals delivered and do all your shopping online, but your internet is too slow and you've got cows to feed.

About your host

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Caithlin Palmer